Archive for the ‘Personal and Life Issues’ Category

How to have a good relationship with a wife

This entry is part [part not set] of 1 in the series Relationships

As in any relationship I think a core to success is being like-minded and with similar interests. It is too easy to become attracted to someone, develop feelings for them and then slowly run into an increasing number of problems because you do not see eye to eye on too many things. For example, at one point I decided I’d prefer to stay single until I found a person I wanted to marry. Because I experienced that when I had girlfriends, I witnessed a lot of missed opportunities.

However, once I found someone potential, I spent the first month sneakily asking her certain questions in a sort of interview process. One thing I am adamant about is homeschooling, because I decided institutional education is about creating robots who work for the rich man and think less for themselves. You can therefore imagine what a hot subject this could become if after years of being together it is time to make such a decision.

Once you have established that you are a healthy match (meaning that, naturally, since you already have the same views, there are far fewer reasons to argue and strain the relationship), one thing you might consider is your partner’s aroma when they are not wearing any perfume. If it is pleasant for you, it apparently means you are also a good genetic match and therefore a higher chance your offspring will be healthier.

Once your relationship is established

Now that you have signed your contract and children possibly on your way, you want to work to keep it maintained. You don’t just want to throw yourself into a relationship with all sorts of expectations. Common sense should tell you that you are two different people and therefore it is natural that you might occasional rub each others’ shoulders.

In times like this I found it better to step away from each other, even if you are still sharing the same space, and give yourselves some time, perhaps until the next day, to let your differences sink in and ponder things over. I found that, whenever I got into a heated conflict with my wife, usually within a few hours or overnight we better understood why we had that conflict, so once our tempers settled down, we could talk about it and discuss ways how to avoid such conflicts in the future. Instead of allowing things to escalate emotionally to a point where either of you might say something permanently damaging, just give each other space and allow each others’ points to sink in. Try to set a policy of both stepping back if things get overheated.

In this way, over time, I found that our conflicts become increasingly farther apart and shorter lived and sooner resolved.

Atmosphere of support

Avoiding conflict is important, but a relationship based on avoiding conflicts is hardly a rosy ideal. Therefore it is good, especially after times of quarrel and resolution, to be encouraging, positive and affectionate. Do not resign and let yourself think that the relationship should work on its own and work to benefit you. Because there are two of you involved and slight differences inevitable, to keep the relationship healthy you will need to invest at least a little of your time and effort.

Think of the relationship, especially if you are raising children, as a project. Like starting your own business. It doesn’t just operate on its own but requires some work. And you will find how little work it really does take to be a little encouraging, positive and supportive instead of focusing on what you think you require to make yourself happy.

Give some me time

One thing about having a long term, permanent and close relationship with someone is that you get used to their presence and being able to rely on them, such that they could become a sort of punching bag on the recipient end of all your daily frustrations.

If you are feeling inundated and need some personal, private quiet time, this should be perfectly understandable. Do not get offended if requested this, while on the other hand, if you feel you need some space, tell your partner in as nice a way as possible. Because this is something that someone can easily get offended by, especially if they have some beef and now find themselves without an audience to vent it to.

One thing I look forward to is to have special times together as our family grows in age and number. Perhaps one weekend I will go fishing with the youngest son, the next weekend take the girls out to an amusement park. Or perhaps a romantic weekend just for the one and only. On the other hand, in spite of all the great fun, it may occasionally occur that one simply feels a need to get away from it all and think to oneself. This is healthy, but should be handled very carefully so as not to hurt feelings.

How to have a good relationship with a grilfriend


After having many relationships with women and maturing over the years as I hit the road and had lots of time to self-reflect, I came to the conclusion that the premise and basis of many of my relationships during my early years was wrong and destructive.


Pics of my travels

Having grown up in a household under very critical parents (who perceived that criticising everything I did would give me drive to excel and achieve greater success in life), I developed an acute insecurity regarding everything I tried to do or my very self, and this reflected in my relationships.

If I found myself attracted to a girl, that initial attraction would be quickly overlapped with judgment about her and a conquest to make myself look good, to help me “successfully” snuggle into an acceptable position in society.

Fresh hot tea with milk in bag.

Pics of my travels

But perceiving her as a conquest, or meticulously examining every one of her blemishes, is the wrong foundation onto which to build a solid relationship, and is a recipe for tension and anguish.

I found that my judgments of her various imperfections eventually turned to blame, as if it was her fault because I feel insecure in groups. If things weren’t working well on the social scene, I might blame her in my mind, which will inevitably lead to tension, arguments and more anguish. I can now see how this level of personal insecurity can lead to unnecessary conflicts in a relationship.

The conquest aspect would, logically, also lead to conflict. If you see her as a means to an end (ie- your quest to feel secure and confident in a social situation), you will also tend to blame her for when things are not quite on the track that you would like.

1_CIMG0161.JPGOr you can be so attracted to her that you are willing to overlook some blemishes, since things seem to be working reasonably well and you are comfortable on your social scene, but eventually this endless pressure for acceptance amongst others and a happy life puts pressure on the relationship. As soon as things go a little astray, you have someone to blame! The blame leads to arguments, the arguments worsen the relationship, other partners start to appear more appealing and congenial, jealousy abounds, which again puts strain on the relationship, such that the initial insecurity is like yeast in the dough or a sweltering infection, growing ever larger.

Instead, the premise and foundation of a relationship should be based, quite simply, on love, acceptance and tolerance. Not as a tool for self-actualisation in the social environment. In this case, you should first become comfortable with and accepting of yourself before you use that as a cornerstone in building a larger pyramid. Self-reflection and meditation can go a long way on this journey.

0_CIMG0066.JPGI believe the most successful relationships are based on two people who are attracted to one another, get along and like each other, have similar interests, and learn to become loving, accepting and tolerant of one another’s idiosyncrasies. Sure, it is reasonable to ask your partner, “Can you please not openly pick your nose while we are having dinner with our friends and wipe your snot on the edge of your wine glass?” The two have to work together to find a common, happy platform, but you should not hold onto some expectation you developed of your future partner, expectations based on having to prove yourself to others during your upbringing. These expectations are a seed to much unnecessary discontent in relationships.

It is understandable that a child is dependent on their parents and has a tendency to look up to them with reliance. If a parent is abusive, the child will naturally feel less loved and more insecure when subjected to criticism, and will try hard to win back that love and security. These efforts will eventually become ingrained programming that the child/adult automatically presumes to be their very nature, or who they are.

IMGP1362.JPGFor example, I was once dabbling in the start of a relationship with someone I really liked and got along great with. We would laugh for hours and appreciated each others witty humour. She was sharp, thought in slightly different ways, and seemed like an excellent business partner. Between us we brainstormed a thousand creative ideas and had at least a year of active and fascinating work ahead of us.

But what was the problem? Her mommy said that good boys do not drink alcohol, she loves her mommy and does not want to go against her, so my three beers a day eventually became intolerable. Instead, she chose to settle back with her old boyfriend, who even beat her sometimes. Probably because they often got into heated arguments, quite possibly because he was not fulfilling her strict and high expectations.

Therefore, it is better to resolve all these issues first. Look inside yourself, analyse your motives and carefully examine your expectations and what you think you really are. Once you have found comfort with yourself, perhaps fully forgiven yourself or others, then your cornerstone has a firm foundation, not on quick sand, and you can piece together it with another cornerstone to build a lasting and mutually enjoyable relationship. Don’t jump into blaming others for your own problems, but first analyse them or why they should be problems at all.