As in any relationship I think a core to success is being like-minded and with similar interests. It is too easy to become attracted to someone, develop feelings for them and then slowly run into an increasing number of problems because you do not see eye to eye on too many things. For example, at one point I decided I’d prefer to stay single until I found a person I wanted to marry. Because I experienced that when I had girlfriends, I witnessed a lot of missed opportunities.
However, once I found someone potential, I spent the first month sneakily asking her certain questions in a sort of interview process. One thing I am adamant about is homeschooling, because I decided institutional education is about creating robots who work for the rich man and think less for themselves. You can therefore imagine what a hot subject this could become if after years of being together it is time to make such a decision.
Once you have established that you are a healthy match (meaning that, naturally, since you already have the same views, there are far fewer reasons to argue and strain the relationship), one thing you might consider is your partner’s aroma when they are not wearing any perfume. If it is pleasant for you, it apparently means you are also a good genetic match and therefore a higher chance your offspring will be healthier.
Once your relationship is established
Now that you have signed your contract and children possibly on your way, you want to work to keep it maintained. You don’t just want to throw yourself into a relationship with all sorts of expectations. Common sense should tell you that you are two different people and therefore it is natural that you might occasional rub each others’ shoulders.
In times like this I found it better to step away from each other, even if you are still sharing the same space, and give yourselves some time, perhaps until the next day, to let your differences sink in and ponder things over. I found that, whenever I got into a heated conflict with my wife, usually within a few hours or overnight we better understood why we had that conflict, so once our tempers settled down, we could talk about it and discuss ways how to avoid such conflicts in the future. Instead of allowing things to escalate emotionally to a point where either of you might say something permanently damaging, just give each other space and allow each others’ points to sink in. Try to set a policy of both stepping back if things get overheated.
In this way, over time, I found that our conflicts become increasingly farther apart and shorter lived and sooner resolved.
Atmosphere of support
Avoiding conflict is important, but a relationship based on avoiding conflicts is hardly a rosy ideal. Therefore it is good, especially after times of quarrel and resolution, to be encouraging, positive and affectionate. Do not resign and let yourself think that the relationship should work on its own and work to benefit you. Because there are two of you involved and slight differences inevitable, to keep the relationship healthy you will need to invest at least a little of your time and effort.
Think of the relationship, especially if you are raising children, as a project. Like starting your own business. It doesn’t just operate on its own but requires some work. And you will find how little work it really does take to be a little encouraging, positive and supportive instead of focusing on what you think you require to make yourself happy.
Give some me time
One thing about having a long term, permanent and close relationship with someone is that you get used to their presence and being able to rely on them, such that they could become a sort of punching bag on the recipient end of all your daily frustrations.
If you are feeling inundated and need some personal, private quiet time, this should be perfectly understandable. Do not get offended if requested this, while on the other hand, if you feel you need some space, tell your partner in as nice a way as possible. Because this is something that someone can easily get offended by, especially if they have some beef and now find themselves without an audience to vent it to.
One thing I look forward to is to have special times together as our family grows in age and number. Perhaps one weekend I will go fishing with the youngest son, the next weekend take the girls out to an amusement park. Or perhaps a romantic weekend just for the one and only. On the other hand, in spite of all the great fun, it may occasionally occur that one simply feels a need to get away from it all and think to oneself. This is healthy, but should be handled very carefully so as not to hurt feelings.
