Reflections of a Madman
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this will be a longer letter so perhaps you might want to print it out and read it when you find the time. I consider it a neutral letter that shouldn't bother you but could explain some things, and in response to the possibility that the Czech government might come after you for cash for David. One thing occurred to me this morning that bothered me and started all this, and it was the letter that the government sent to mom asking her for money. I wondered how in the heck they found out about her or her address (she has a different last name now, after all, and isn't that often in Czech), and it occurred to me that this is something that Ilona must have given to them voluntarily, which she didn't have to. I know that my mom can often or always act nafoukane like she has all sort of money and likes to flaunt her mink coat and all that, but that does not entitle Ilona to any of her money. Ilona must have asked David to take her down to her address so she could write it down. I sent Ilona a scathing letter and think this may mark the end of our relationship.
Anyway, several things. First of all, recently it has started to prick my conscience a bit about that time you came from Montreal or whatever, while you stood at our doorway, I was held by mom, I kissed her on the cheek and said I love her and not you. I saw you cry a bit. I would just like to explain that I was young and fuming mad and wanted to cause you pain, because I felt you practically killed me, which is true. You can read up on hyperthermia and I learned about it while taking a first aid course for treeplanting. I sat in a hot bathtub shivering like a leaf for half an hour before my body warmed up, and then I fell sick with a fever – absolute symptoms of hyperthermia and I felt I was close to death too. I invited a friend to the cottage and we were playing all day in the snow, but when I got wet and cold you put me in front of a little heater and chewed me out that it serves me right because I was not helping you with your cottage chores instead. Pride about your work and indifference, and I think I was quite justified for my anger. Yet I'll still apologise for saying that. Anyway, perhaps that was the turning point when you stopped seeing us at all. Then I called you up out of the blue to Colorado, because for about a year I was developing a longing to re-establish a relationship with you, and after about three sentences you asked if I was a useless bum. Anyway, I overcame that insult and in time went to see you in Colorado etc. So I'd like to thank you for paying for that plane ticket and the opportunity to develop a relationship with all of you and with Jens and Sonja. Now most recently I saw an opportunity to get myself on my feet again, but you said "Why should I help someone in the prime of their life". Perhaps you could try to imagine Christ saying something like that concerning the good Samaritan story. Evidently I'm like a stranger and I no longer feel much part of your family. I guess you prefer that. When I first came to Prague I overheard you referring to me as from your "previous failed marriage", which hurt me. It almost seems like you'd rather just brush this under the carpet and have a nice clean start. So I decided I'll never approach any of you for help again. Even if you had lent me a measily hundred bucks it would have helped, but fortunately I have friends which are more like family and I managed somehow. The tree planting didn't pay off as I hoped because I was not paid as much as I was promised, the season was too short, and it didn't really pay for all the costs and plane ticket, so I'm actually in more debt, but it did give me some survival cash and now I'm starting to get regular work, so I will work hard to pay back all my debts.
But I am thankful for all the times we had dinner together and the nice relationship we did develop over the years, and everything else. It also hurt me to be referred to as "extended family" during your prayers around the table. If you read the bible you'll know I'm your "first fruit" and certainly not some extended family. I find that rather insulting, but I'll just consider it as the truth. Perhaps an occasional oddity that comes around for dinner and entertains you all with funny stories about his life. Liba once said "sice jses nase kluk", but I don't feel that either. But no hard feelings. We are just people and I now know my place in your lives so you don't have to worry that I will "bother" you again with such requests.
But turning to David. I phoned around and was shocked to find out that I'm liable to alimony until David is out of university and finally finds a job. I found this and the fact that the government can even come after you rather ridiculous. Thanks to me David has a Canadian passport, which is quite a big present in of itself, and I'm thinking I'd like to treat him like a Canadian as well. Which, if I am not mistaken, means he should be an independent once turning 16 and capable of finding his own work. Initially I thought I would try harder to pay if they did eventually come after you – not only because it's rather embarrassing. In other ways I thought it could be sweet justice. Things falling perfectly into place. So I just wanted to warn you about this and suggest you try to fight this tooth and nail. Czechs and the government stole enough from me all those years that I was there that I really do not feel any allegiance to the country. Ilona took hormone pills behind my back while I told her a thousand times I do not want to start a family. This is certainly different than what you agreed with mom and the associated responsibilities. All those years the alimony has hindered my business, the main reason why I moved to Czech, but I grinned and bore it and think that, overall, I did a rather good job with David and am still there for him if he is willing to hold up his end of the relationship. I just don't particularly feel the need to keep sending her money. Useless lemra that she is. My mother had two of us and think she did a great job considering, sending us to summer camp and stuff.
I also thank you for your thoughtful and careful responses to my emails. I enjoyed the dinners we had together and I don't want you to think I am holding any grudges, but this is a matter of money which may affect you. If Ilona wasn't such a stupid zavistiva zenska and tried to drag my mother into this, she would have received her support from the government anyway, so it was unnecessary. Mom sent them all sorts of gifts when David was your, a sweater to Ilona and nice things, but complained that neither of them thanked her much for it. Like they expected it from her. I hope David wont grow up mazany like all the other prazaky, under Ilona's wing of demented thinking. But if he does, well, what can I do. We occasionally write emails, I invited him to plant trees in Canada for a summer, or to travel with me, and I'll maintain a good relationship with him, if he holds up half the weight, now that he is basically an adult.
Anyway, seems like we may be seeing each other soonish cause now I will try my hardest to get there in time for Jens's wedding. I think I will be able to make it.
Have a good one! :0)
yah, I've come to the conclusion that my entire life I always felt rather upset and sore when it seemed to me that the other party just didn't give much of a shit. Or cared less than I did, which has often been the case it seems. Like if my friends need help I'm right there instantly without thinking, but when I need something I start to hear excuses to the point that it makes me sick. In the past I used to pull an ultimatum I was so upset when I found out they cared less than I did, but eventually I learned to accept the more watered down relationship (not even sure if it was worth my while anymore) and adjusted my feelings and relationship. With this family I guess I just had to accept that I wasn't part of their family but an outsider. A bit painful, but I've accepted it, while telling them my feelings in the process. Kind of like a slap right back in all of their faces, which they technically deserve. I always assumed we were working towards something like that but I guess not.
Anyway, Jens asked me to be his groom or whatever its called for his upcoming marriage in 1 August, when I was thinking I'd like to be in Czech anyway, so I guess we'll see how it all pans out. I find that a lot of times misunderstandings can happen by email, when you don't see the person's expression, and I've started to be more careful about my writing and interpretation of others' emails. I've resorted to smileys and writing "heh heh" to get the point across that I'm being humorous and sarcastic, otherwise I've inadvertently offended people over time and took some work to repair.
Checked it out and apparently in Czech I gotta pay till he finds work, and they can go after mom, and dad too. If only mom that would be great because I'm sure she'll be able to prove she has no cash. If dad then I might be embarrassed enough to pay. If not, I might just blow it off and let the Czech government pay. They've ripped me off enough in the past. I don't live there anymore anyway. But if I'm making good cash again I was going to give David some work myself. I think that is more sensible. We'll see.
Wrote a seathing email to Ilona that she should have thought more and not given them details to mom. She has a different last name and she must have walked down there with David and wrote down the address. I can send you my email to her if you want to practice some Czech. Totally chewed her out and said I might be done with her for good and that, in the past, the only reason I was trying to have a good relationship with her was so that David would sorta feel he's in a family. Now he's old enough and think I'll dump her from my life. Unless she can explain herself, but this is nothing short of filthy theft and I let her have good, heh heh (not sarcasm). later
I don't really have much to say about all this, unfortunately. I haven't heard from Dad in a year . . . the whole thing seems so distant to me. I think about him sometimes but the thought dashes out of my head pretty fast because the fact is that he has done basically nothing to keep contact. It's different for you I guess because you have David and because you spent all that time with them in Colorado, and in Prague I guess. Couple things: mum told me last year that Ilona had told her that under Czech law she is able to go after the mother for child support. To me it sounded unlikely, mum said she didn't know if it was true then kind of raved on a bit, "Why doesn't she go after Kosman, he is there after all!" I suspect it is the same misinformation as Kevin gave Simona, that British law requires the father to pay everything he has to the first born, that any later children have no claim. When mum told me that, a long time ago, I said it sounded unlikely. She poofed and scoffed in the way my family tends to do at me, the youngest, I couldn't POSSIBLY know anything useful about anything (haha *cough*). So all the time Simona and Kevin were together, even after Ruskin was born he kept the money he made. After he left, Simona found out that not only was it not true but that he didn't pay anything to the mother of his other kid (they're friends now, her and Simona). Simona has no chance of recovering money from him because he is in the States and has learned paternity laws there and knows how to evade. He's got kids all over the place. Same thing with Ilona I think, with misinformation and selfish attitude. As for dad, I asked him what he thought of her when I was there (David was like 3 years old) he didn't want to say but I pressed, he finally said, "I think she considers Karel her retirement plan." She will spend energy trying to get money out of whoever, anyone, because - as she sees it - they have it and she does not. She's one of those people, there are plenty of them on this earth. I wouldn't blame too much of this on David he's alone with just Ilona, at least for us there were two of us and there was that brief time where we were with Dad and Liba on the weekends. Dad paid for half of our camp, he and mum each paid for one kid. Even in Canada the age of adult is 18. I don't think the government makes parents pay for their kids until they are finished university. Most do. Mum didn't, for me. Good luck with this. My only thought is that your son doesn't hold any bad feelings or whatever against you. I know it's a different situation than with us and dad. And mum. Boy what a fck up! They were so young though, I think it's better now where most people wait until their mid-30s to have kids. More stability and less stupidity that way!
well, long story I guess. I'm kind of in a feud at the moment with "that family", but don't spread any of what I'm telling you. Feel my relationship with them is rather weak and don't wanna push it any more. Jens seems to be turning into some knd of corporate stuffy monster and its becoming painful! But perhaps its an email thing when you cant see people's face as they communicate with you. Anyway, will leave it totally up to you to get your foot in the door and I'm just a total bystander. Good luck!
Oh, sure, he's on my facebook friends too, dweeb. I went ahead and messaged him...you know, I will be TOTALLY confused if for some reason he is against my presence...I've wracked my brain to come up with even one reason I would be a shitty date for you, and I just can't. ;) So, if it turns out that I am unwanted, you are just going to have to deal with me 1. respecting that decision 2. whining a lot, not understanding why. See, I'm a girl and I'm good at being dramatic! ;) Anyhoot, packing for Flipside...just one year I wish you'd come with me, it's magical and amazing and crazy and you'd love the people, and nekkid boobies everywhere...it's just awesome. Gotta find a way to drag you out. Need to take mom to the airport- she's going back to NY for a week, then home to Prague. You will need to give her a sloppy kiss when we are all together, she'll love it! Let me know as you know your trip back to Prague so I can catch up! And make sure you save some time in country so you and I can do Cesky Raj for a few days!!!
Hey - sounds good :-) sure, add me to your link and good luck with the
> almost done with that idea and now I got a new one I'm rather excited about. Kind of difficult to explain but a long time ago I got one of my programmers to develop a system whereby as soon as any translator logs into their account and a certain project and uploads the translation, an email is automatically sent to the proofreader, who downloads it, and when he uploads, then the vettor/project manager etc. gets notified, thus basically automating the dreary bore of project management. Anyway, one friend suggested I should offer it to other translation agencies, so I'm going to try to create special administrative right where other agencies can create (but not delete) projects etc. and charge half a cent to use the automated system, and another half cent if they want the files to be vetted as well (checked to make sure nothing is missing, whereby the PMs can be on three different time zones so that the system runs 24 hours a day and they don't have to do any work. Could be interesting. Found a site where I can buy email addresses to more than 6000 agencies for only 60 bucks, so I will approach them once I alter the script and curious how that will fair.
Below is a response from Jana, in case you didn't get it from her.
Also, it occurred to me if perhaps you want me to say some speech at your wedding, been formulating some nice possibilities. If you do want me to, just let me know and it will give me time to write something super cool and perfect, and practice reciting it etc. before I come.
good to hear from you. Just read your letter on my mobile so I'm responding like this, as I will be in the internet cafe soon and can send it.
Now I'm in Greece slowly winding my way to Bulgaria, where that friend is who offered me some work. But not sure if I'll even have time to help him because since the start of the year I've been receiving lots of translation work for one agency, which translates a lot for the ministry and EU, and whose English is very good, so at least someone who can recognise my quality, unlike the other boneheads.
Where's Kahir? I'm winding my way around the coast and its real beautiful here. Then I may only be in Bulgaria for about a month because I will try real hard to get to Czech by around July 14, when several friends will be visiting from the US and in time for Jens's wedding. I recently did a translation about the Prague zoo. I forget the name of the district but its north a bit. There is a big park. It's just north of the river as it winds away from Prague. There is this church there where people have weddings. Maybe you could try that. Otherwise I had one friend who got married out of Prague in a beautiful church. If they are really expensive in Prague, it might be a cool and romantic idea to rent a bus and cart everyone a few kilometres out of town, and save money that way. Perhaps go to the Catholic church and ask them to look in their big database and see if they can suggest something.
Yes, I write with David and try to be positive, but recently I said something and he said he needs advice with the computer and not life. So I wont try unless he asks. He is obviously growing up into a man and I have to respect that. Just last I wrote him a long letter about Ilona, explaining why I'm angry (I realized that for the government to send a letter demanding money from my mom Ilona probably had to go down there with David and write down the address – it makes me sick and I don't want to have anything to do with her anymore). I can send you my long letter to David if you like. It explains a lot of things and that we should now work towards an equal relationship between two grown men and not let any "husy" muddle up our heads.
I'm not really scared of the authorities. I'll slink my way into the country, just drive right in without borders, and I guess the only way there is danger is if Ilona calls the police and tells them where I'm parked. They can only get money from me if I was working in the cz, where they can approach my employer. I doubt that because of something like this they could just grab me and throw me into jail. My mother had two of us and I don't remember her getting any money from the government. I found out that, in Czech, they can keep me paying until David finds a job, meaning through university. I was out of my home since 16 and paid my own way through university by planting trees. Anyway, I simply do not have the money now and I have a lot of debts I need to pay. Ilona is getting money from the government and I told David that, once I get cash, I'll probably offer him work and pay him under the table and not waste my time with the Czech authorities. I feel that nation has stole enough from me and now they can pay – no sympathies.
Otherwise I've learned how to program and put up online databases and I am excited to do something more intelligent that just translate. I have really been trying to get away from that for many years. I am putting up various projects on the web and hope to make some cash from it at some point. Otherwise I put up a cool online database of the lumber industry for Keta, apparently very unique and the best in the world, so I hope it will be used a lot and some people might want to use my services. My costs are very low so I can definitely offer a competitive price. Speaking of low costs, my latest project is to convert my truck so that it can run on used kitchen grease. Amazing but I've done a lot of research and seems possible. Will research more, but once I accomplish that I wont even have to pay for diesel anymore, so with the solar panels, my costs will truly be negligible. And I look forward to driving around a lot. Even fantasized about driving to Eqypt and from there ship my caravan truck to Kenya, where I have started talking to one charity of homeless children. For about four years now I've been praying and trying to get involved with some children shelter, but everyone seems to suspect that I'm a pedophile. It's a sad state of the world when such people exist, yet worse when everyone becomes totally paranoid about it. In the UK I couldn't even take pictures in public of my two nephews. I really think it's sick and that everyone is kind of sick in that way. So if I have to go all the way to Africa to have my little family, I'll do it. I think there is enough people in the world and I'd rather focus on helping poor children than starting my own family. I felt this way a long time. When in London the boys absolutely love me and tell me I'm like their dad. I always get along great with children and they always instantly love me, I can be a clown, and I feel like they are my children. So it seems pointless to settle down somewhere, start a family, and sink all my attention and money into one or two children. It actually seems selfish, considering the state of the world. One person blamed me of living a hedonistic lifestyle, but I find that many people start families for selfish reasons – because it's what they want to do and feel it will bring joy to their lives. There's nothing altruistic about that. If I was making enough money I could support several child shelters around the world and visit them. I read an article how there are children in Asia who have to live under freeways and stuff and collect bottles all day, or sometimes sell their ass to survive. A hundred Euro a month could probably feed a lot of them. Of course, everyone would instantly argue that I should be giving that hundred Euro to David instead, but why? They argue "charity starts at home", but it shouldn't end there, and I feel it can do a lot more good going places like that than only selfishly to my own son. He's getting old enough that he can start taking care of himself, problem is Ilona and I really did not have enough influence on him to turn him into more confident and nudge towards sports etc. I tried to convince him but it is not his nature. If he was growing up under my wing I would certainly try harder, but that is not the case, and generally I think I had good influence on him. It is up to him now though to continue the relationship with me and not let his mother badly influence it. I've already invited him several times to go travelling with me, or I can take him tree planting in Canada for a summer. He has a Canadian passport now and I think it would be a good experience for him, although I'm sort of doubting he will not be able to handle the job. If he does handle it though, he will come out of it a much stronger character. I've heard tree planting is one of the toughest jobs in the world and you only get paid for what you plant. So if you want to make any money you have to push yourself. I calculated that each second of idleness costs a penny, and the fast planters always have this on their mind and push themselves every second of the day. So I think something like this would really benefit him, but I would have to convince him beforehand that he cannot even imagine how horrible it can be, with all the mosquitoes etc.
Well, think I've covered all the points in your letter. Seey'all soon!
heh heh, just read your letter on my mobile and felt like responding now.
Yah, I was shocked to hear a bit about our family history from Lucka when we were partying together for a while, and then I emailed a bit with her mother, who seems to know more than most people. Put it into a webpage and thing you might get a giggle out of it!
kosman family tree
I doubt my mom would let me stay at her place behind the Divadlo and probably definitely allow you or anyone else, since she shares it with one other couple, it has to be prestine and not even scratched, and occasionally gets it rented out for ridiculous sums to movie stars. Pierce Brosnan almost stayed there once but somehow the timing did not work out. But if you're feeling adventurous I should be there with my lovely palace on wheels! But not sure how long I'd want to hang around stinky Prague for. Would prefer to lounge around in Cesky Raj etc. and go on roadtrips with people throughout the country etc., but it all depends on others, and I will certainly want to see them.
Jens spent a few years in Argentina, liked it, learned Spanish, and think met this Spanish girl in Prague while trying to meet Spanish people so he could keep learning the language. She's a Catholic and through her I guess he became a big believer and think they didn't even hanky panky the first year they were together and possibly up to now! Impressive in a way. She's nice and I'm glad for him. I think I'm supposed to be his groom's helper or whatever its called.
I had a bit of a fallout with him and would not want to ask if I could invite you. If you have contact with him I'd rather you ask him, and of course don't make any mention of the fallout thing. He's hooked up with me on Facebook.
Asparagus and poached salmon, yummy yummy! A few days ago I bought this massive pile of artichokes from a guy in a truck for 3 Euro, pigged out on day and cooked up a delicious recipe using my new pressure cooker, and I think I still have more than half left. It's just lying on the floor and I keep stepping over it. Will have to eat the rest soon. I could really save a lot of money if I learn to buy right and cook! I just get lazy often. latero!
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