From your letter it reminded me of something I have been learning here. That when you meditate enough and develop that skill, you eventually slow down your mind enough that it can observe itself. If you don’t slow it down it is filled with millions of thought concerns: gotta do this, gotta do that, worry about this. And when you observe these thoughts burst into your head, and watch how your mind or body reacts to it, you realize that there isn’t really any “you”. In your busy life you think that the events over the course of it shape your identity and who you are as a person. Or you are sentimental and clinging onto things in the past, or hopeful of the future, but you never seek contentment of the PRESENT, this failure a source of suffering for most of the world. Always believing that they will be happy if they can only get this or that, but even if they do get it they instantly create another fantasy to chase after, believing their true happiness lies there, instead of finding bliss in their heart and in the moment. Like Jesus said: The Kingdom of Heaven is not on some distant mountain top or valley … but it is found in your heart”. Buddha said the same after taking nirvana through meditation to four more levels, and just by sharing what he learnt he shaped a big section of the world, as did Jesus, through words alone. Me and keta also have quite different memories from our childhood, mine kind of fuzzy happy strawberries and her total hell. We remember totally different things. But recently I read an article how memory is much more alive and strong when it is attached to emotions, especially if they are negative ones. So people tend to remember the bad times more, dwell on them, develop chips on their shoulders and it drags them down. Instead of being like a child who instantly forgives and forgets. Monks speak of “attachments” as the greatest source of human suffering. A child is given an icrecream cone, the body enjoys the sensual pleasure, the mind equates that pleasure to happiness, the child develops attachments or expectations for icecream and wont stop screaming until it has it in its mouth again. Anyway, these are more abstract concepts and I think it would do you well to read up on it and study, instead of constantly running around under high stress convinced your happiness is somewhere over there. Once when I was totally convinced I had lost absolutely everything etc., at that moment I attained a total feeling of peace and bliss, lasting about one full day. Until a check payment went through, another invoice landed in the mail, and I was back to worrying about my daily concerns and lost that bliss. Like Jesus said, there are four ways we can lose enlightment (when someone first understands his words – sees the light), one of which is the worries of life strangle it away. I already said I’d convert your writings into English and add it to my family history pages, if that is what you would like me to do. Otherwise I’d certainly be interested in reading about it, but don’t ask me to drop to my knees and beg for this information. I am merely interested. You though seem to be living in your reminiscent memories, with all sorts of feelings attached to them, and give it such grave importance and are hurt when we don’t fall on our knees begging you for this. I think writing about it may even help you in that you can let all those feelings flush out and release the memories for what they are. Recently I saw a really cool list of maps, one of which was the paths of thousands of floating rubber duckies. I guess they put some chip in them so they can track them, because the map showed how they drifted around the world, separating at different points. They spread out all over the world. I’m sure each one could tell fascinating stories of their exploits, but in the end they all look the same and they are all the same rubber duckie, regardless of where the currents divided them and sent them on separate ways. Yes, I’m interested in your writing and my history, but I don’t want to repeat myself again. Don’t write it for us, but it could heal you somewhat by just putting it all down on paper. Don’t have these great attachments to your past as if these events define who you are as a person, and assume that just because we don’t fall on our knees begging for this information we don’t care about who you are a person. Honestly, your obsession for all these things, and worries about the future, and regret when looking back in the past, is all a source of suffering for you. Seek peace and bliss of the moment. It’s not easy finding it but it’s there. Your happiness does not lie anywhere else. Like for example if you are happy spending time with me. You are enjoying the moment, and it is as simple as that. Not for example happy because I am in university studying to be a doctor, so you can be proud of your son and brag about it to your friends, and think you are happy because you are imagining how great you will look when you can brag about me, but simply happy for the moments we spend together. The same applies to everything else. Just remember when you visited me in bg and said you were able to sleep for a week or two when you got back to Prague. And all we did was walk around, chat and enjoy each other’s companies, without any concerns.
