I want to put my full trust in God, but it seems so hard. After I was molested and lost my father in 2008 it seem like I couldn\’t trust nobody even God, I am so depressed, frustrated and angry. I am also suffering from OCD, and PTSD. The devil just won\’t leave me alone, he has done horrible things to me. Thank You and I hope this is free.
That’s a tough one. Like the Chinese say, you cannot unsee the dragon. Once you’ve seen it, the horrifying images have left a big imprint on your memory and are impossible to get rid of. The only thing I can think of is to try Jesus’s words, which is that forgiveness heals. Instead of trying to run away from and bury the memories, perhaps try to face them, replacing the negative thoughts to love, and learn how to love yourself. I recently discovered a trick where, with people who were causing a lot of anger and frustration in my life, I would imagine a glorious waterfall of love spirit pouring out of the infinite depths of heaven, falling on the people who were frustrating me, and I imagined they were feeling great bliss and happiness, and I was watching them smiling with their eyes closed in bliss, imagining this golden waterfall spirit cascading over them. Then I did the same for me and imagined both of us showered in love. I replaced any harmful thoughts about them, which were only making me madder and madder, with these images and it made a transformation of my entire day, which seemed to be getting increasingly angrier and angrier. When I saw them in person I try to be as nice as possible, but generally try to avoid them. Most people when they see such an effort eventually change heart towards you, and sometimes even lead to great respect and admiration for you.
Subconsciously you could be blaming yourself, as often turns out to be the case in these abusive situations. That somehow you deserved it. The healing process can be long and slow, but you should seek out for it, like you are launching a business venture. Seek out and research your options. Perhaps there is some group in which you can discuss and share these things, as do they, and talking about it with people who have had similar experiences could serve as a powerful tool to release any emotions you have bottled up within you. They will always plague you if not dealt with. I do not think they will ever go away if not dealt with. Our memories are stronger when associated with painful emotions. That is why people develop chips on their shoulder as they get older, accumulating all these painful memories, holding onto them, almost cherishing them, as if they were our source of vindication and justification against the entire world. It is a trap one can easily fall into and the trick is to be, like Jesus said, one of these children. With unconditional love and forgiveness to the point of purely forgetting. By meditation you can also absorb these memories, acknowledge that they are an integral part of your identity, but with advanced meditation you realize that your identity is actually a fantasy, after which you will be able to put these ideas completely behind you, as in past events which do not need to affect how you move forward, and learn to love and forgive yourself and others around you. May you be blessed on your journey forward sister!
Learning how to love yourself
hey buddy, you’re the only one I can think of sharing this thought with, and hope you like it!
I’ve been hearing a lot about the need to love oneself before loving others and general happiness in life, but always considered that untouchable territory. after all, I’ve been shitty to a few people in my life and, even though I grew out of that, I deserve to be punished.
but that thought did intrigue me. grace. conceivable? very difficult in its full measure.
then I read an article that you can make another person feel more secure and loved by kissing their forehead. Basically adding a big juicy glob of confidence and love to their pineal gland. Just before this I accidentally kissed my knee, propped up while working at the computer, and it felt really soothing. I experimented further and, although masturbation came to mind, it felt innocent enough that I shall continue with this experiment and maybe understand one day!