I have been living with my boyfriend for the past 10 months. He has an eight year old daughter who comes over every weekend and school holidays. For the first 2 months we were ok but then she started being disrespectful. She sent me text messages saying to leave her dad alone and she writes everywhere that she hates me. She fights with her dad and she argues and behave in the worst ways with her grandmother. Her dad loves her that he cant discipline her. He even sleeps with her when she is over and this really bothers me. I\’ve been putting up with the situation but its getting me depress. I dont want him to dislike his child but wish he could do something to change her behavours. I\’ve got to the point where i can say i dont like her. I dont wanna be around her and wish i could have nothing to do with her. Though i dont have one of my own, I\’ve always love children but have never seen any child with such behaviour. Sometimes i feel like walking out of the relationship but i love my boyfriend and feel that he loves me too. I don\’t want to see him hurt but as much as i hate to admit i am suffering with the situation. I\’m with a headache and neck pain almost everyday. i cant seem to get the situation out of my head. Can you please advice what do i do? How do i deal with the situation? How do i get rid of the pain? How do i keep myself from hating her? Is it normal for me to be feeling like this? Please advise as soon as possible.
sorry, don’t really feel like answering this so much because it is so selfish. Obviously she is going to feel threatened by you and for you to even begin thinking of trying to create a wedge between her and her dad is utterly self-defeating. Instead of throwing fuel on the fire and thinking about your pride and “me, me, me”, you should try to be an adult and be nurturing to her, so that she does not feel you want her dad for yourself and push her out of the way. If you just reflected on the situation a bit without immediately acting on your emotions without a thought this should have been blatantly obvious. You two are acting out of envy and spite, but it’s understandable in her case, because you have come into their relationship, as an outsider, and because of her immature age.
Thanks for your reply. I have tried to change things with her. Tried to talk with her about the situation but her behavior doesn’t change but get worst. I even stayed at my parents when she is around to try help improve things but still she gives her dad and grandmother a hard time. I know she is a child but her behavior is above that of a child.
then as an adult I’d suggest to get to the root of her problems psychologically. Maybe she is simply a spoiled brat, or perhaps there is something very deep, such as she misses her mother and feels you are trying to replace her. Since her dad is close to her perhaps he is best equipped to ask her these questions. Children can be very transparent and honest, and force us to look more honestly at ourselves. I feel I have a good sense for roots of problems, but remotely I can only speculate. I can read a person by their facial twitches, for example. I think the trick is to be empathic and receptive, as you should be because the child is not mature enough and responds more reactively and less with rational thought. There is always a root. If a child is a spoiled brat, it may be because they are restless, bored and frustrated, because they were not taught patience and other important virtues. Thrown a nintendo game, “shut up and have fun, stop asking me questions.” Convenient solutions welcomed by all parties, but one which creates attention deficit disorder in growing minds, locked in for good, restless throughout their lives. Quite difficult to make a diagnosis by email and the only thing I can suggest is to use your advanced maturity over the child to understand that it needs help, set aside your own prides and demands. Don’t fight for her daddy but learn how to live together in happy harmony, each contributing to the greater entity. It is possible, for example, that she is developing attachments for you and instinctively becoming more hostile against you, as a defense mechanism because she fears you will eventually leave like her mommy did. So understanding motivations and, very importantly, your own emotions and motivations, is part of the ingredient required to move forward. Time is another. Just think positively, reach out a helping hand, wait, try. Prayer of course adds a strong flow of juicy positive impetus, which can only help.
