Well first off I am a Christian. I am actively involved in my church. I love my family, most of the time. I am a straight A student taking all advanced classes, including Spanish and I play French horn.I am in 11th grade. The thing is I have a secret. It’s a deep personal one that has been haunting me for almost 2 years. I have a problem. The worst part is that I realize it, but I can’t stop. No, I don’t drink, swear, or do any drug. But I look at porn and masturbate. I hate it. I can’t stop though. It makes me feel terrible about myself. I have been doing this for 2 years and it has gotten less. I used to do it every day, but now I am so tired it’s only once or twice a week. I also have another problem. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 4 months now. After 2 months we told our parents, and lately he has been coming to church with us. I haven’t told my parents everything thing though. We have told each other that we love each other, we have kissed, and just recently made out. This weekend we got in a long conversation. Back and forth we asked random awkward questions. One thing led to another and now, he plans on touching me, and he wants me touch him. On top of that he has convinced me to give him a picture of me and he is going to give me a picture of him. It horrible and I’m not ready for this yet. I have promised my virginity to the one that I marry, even though we think we are getting married, there is still the what if. I am really worried and I think this is still going against what I promised. I have no idea what to do. I plan on telling him but I don’t know how. I love him and hate to see him upset. It crushes me. I love him, but I think that I got caught up in the moment this weekend. I don’t want to put him before I put my personal Lord and Savior. I think that I am compromising my values and I don’t want to do that. Do you have any Scripture references and advice for me? Thanks for your time.
Hey Kaylin,
I have to say you sound pretty mature for an eleven year old. I’d say it is good to ask such questions, and it’s actually a common one. One should reflect on themselves, Christ, spiritual matters, the meaning of life, their physical bodies and urges, and generally seek wisdom and understanding, as the bible so suggests.
Since I’ve already touched on this topic a few times, so I don’t have to repeat myself I would suggest the following pages:
http://001yourtranslationservice.com/Christ/counseling/Internet_sex.html
http://001yourtranslationservice.com/Christ/sermons/relationships-sex-love-and-marriage.html
and make the following addition which popped to mind after reading your letter. At one point Paul speaks about “the freedom that may be found in Christ”. I believe this takes great understanding, and can be rather far from the legalistic preachings of many fundamentalists. My convictions tell me that the love of Christ is not about crippling oneself with guilt that we may not be perfect, or mutilate our physical bodies as an expression of that guilt or in some war against the natural desires of our flesh. We are animals designed to propagate and hence it is natural that we have these feelings. The trick is to overcome these urges and rise to a higher, spiritual plane. This is the ideal, but not some burden that we should be stricken with guilt of failure lest we fail. Or expect that Christ and God will hate us if we choose not to go down this enlightened path. This is nonsense preached by fundamentalists who are envious of the freedom others have.
What concerns getting married and all that, obviously this is better, as Paul said, “It is better to marry than to burn with passion.” He was talking about his desire that we all remain single and spiritual. But I say that it is better to experiment, if you really really need to, than to burn with passion and get married too quickly because you cannot control yourself, and then find yourself in a marriage where you are not happy. Now even more guilt ridden because you’ve already made a vow to God and bound yourself to your spouse in a marriage which you really are not enjoying, and now contemplate divorcing and breaking that vow before God. This is nonsense and goes against the common sense of Christ, which he commonly practiced (take for example his saving people on the Sabbath, and his argument that one still needs to give their donkey water on these days. It technically goes against scripture and one really needs to see the entire picture and not become obsessed with individual words or phrases).
But if you want to save yourself for your future husband, this is great. From my experience I find that the marriages that last or have a chance of lasting forever are ones based on first love, and not marriages of convenience or some loose agreement. When two people love each other and there is a will by both parties, they will always find a way to satisfy one another sexually, and you do not need to experiment for years to find what is most comfortable for you. What is more important is the love, and this is strongest with first love. Courting and getting to know one another for at least a year, lets say. Let the love develop platonically. Get to know your partner really deeply, before jumping into bed, and your love will be that much deeper and solid. If your partner does not understand this, then the lust is more important to him and you are only playing with fire. Same with the big M. But perhaps the big M is okay if it relieves the urge, so that you are not inflamed with passion and rush into things because you do not have a clear head. I’d say kissing can be okay but if it inflames passion and leads more and more to other things, you are playing with fire and will find it increasingly difficult to take a wiser path. So exercise with caution. But it seems you have a good head on your shoulders so follow your conscience and keep asking and seeking greater understanding and wisdom. They will only serve you well.
Good luck! Karel