How an Atheist Thinks
An Exercise in Denial

As explained in my personal testimony, I grew up believing in God and having a natural and aware consciousness of him. No one instructed me of God and this was for me as natural as breathing, but I have grown to presume that not everyone is like this. Anyway, a point came in my life and things were not working in my favour, and because of that, I decided I will no longer place my hope in God, and made a conscious decision to rebel against him. I started reading dark and heavy philosophy, and for many years strengthened my mind in this direction, enjoying arguments against other Christians, who I often caused to become red faced in frustration, because I had many arguments in my arsenal.

Anyway, in hindsight, long after I came back to God, I reflected on those times when I argued as an atheist, when I perpetually sought further foundation for my new "religion", and while probing deep into my thoughts and ways of thinking back then, I realized that I didn't actually believe that God did not exist but was rather in open rebellion against him. Like a frustrated spoiled little child who did not get something they demanded from their parents and responded by making a purposefully hurtful accusation "I do not love you anymore" (but certainly still loves their parents), I was pursuing this path and reading out of protest because things did not go well with me. When I eventually came back to God, I realized that it was unreasonable for me to make such selfish demands on him back then. Instead, I developed the argument of the two farmers, where one farmer is growing one type of crop which demands more rain, while the other is growing another crop which demands less. Both are praying to God, but you can see it is impossible for God to fulfil all our requests, as they often conflict with one another. The world is a dynamic place full of 6 billion people, each given freedom by God to choose their own path in life, so it is simply impossible and unreasonable to expect that everything should go well with us just because we believe in God. In fact, it is typically selfish to think this way, and goes against the entire grain of how a true Christian should think. To say, "I will only believe in God if it is profitable for me" isn't what being a true Christian is about.

Anyway, this reflection forced me to think that, ironically, all atheists must think this way. Not that they actually truly believe there is no God, but that they are in open rebellion or protest against him, for one reason or another. As the bible says, God makes himself known to us. We may try our hardest to deny this fact, but it is deep in our minds, and an atheist must be in constant self denial and rebellion.

Then we might have the agnostics, who admit there could or must be a God, but fail to commit themselves to anything in response to this fact.

Either camp can use the failure of Christians as justification for their beliefs. If they see a professing Christian get drunk or perform some sin, they will rejoice with glee, "See, therefore God cannot exist, or it doesn't really matter," as a satisfactory justification for their choice of mentality. But this is a faulty argument.

When God first created the garden of Eden, he walked with and openly conversed with man, but warned him that he must not also eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for if he does, "he will surely die" (meaning he will suffer spiritual death, because by acquiring this knowledge, he is not a discerning enough creature to choose the right path on his own accord, and will inevitably find himself "on the broader path leading to destruction"). <link to more detailed explanation> So he banned Adam/man from his presence and allowed him to roam the earth and choose his own path (much to his own peril). A professing Christian living in such a world cannot be expected to live an exemplary life. This is something an atheist does not understand – our constant battle against temptation. When someone chooses to believe in God and aspire to attain a closer relationship with him, because they have tasted his Spirit and grown to love him, they are not hyperspaced to some new dimension where they are no longer tempted by the flesh, or by the infinite multitude of distractions around us. On the contrary, the bible clearly states that the devil sets it to his purpose to increase our temptations even more. He battles against us, and the Christian life is definitely a battle against constant temptation, and against all sorts of other forces. The bible admits that it is impossible for man (excluding one, Jesus) to live an exemplary life without sin.

Of course, one could take this as an argument that nothing really matters then if some sin is expected of us. This is a typical copout argument by those who seek justification for their frame of mind. Ninety nine Christians could live an exemplary life, but if one falls visibly short, the unbeliever will shout with joy for the justification.

Perhaps the atheist could reflect on this and consider being honest with themselves, digging deep into their mind to realize their open act of rebellion against God. If they truly believed God did not exist and they were not in constant rebellion against their own conscience, they would not get instantly angry and defensive every time they might be preached to, which I often find the case. In this "modern" world, where it is almost becoming a trend for a homosexual to come out of the closet, whenever I myself overcome my fears and try to come out of my closet, simply professing that I believe in and love God and try to follow his ways, it is amazing how quickly I find myself in a heated argument and the subject of attack. Not because I was passing judgement on someone else, banging the bible on their heads and hurling on them brim and firestone from heaven itself, but simply because I made a statement of what I personally believe in. A whole camp of people can be found who take immediate offence at such a statement and make it their agenda to attack my way of thinking. They might make mention of bible thumping Christians banging at their doors, bring up evils of witchburning by the ancient church, but I would challenge to doubt that they have any such experience themselves. So I doubt they are reacting to some childhood trauma where they were constantly harassed and repressed in this direction (although I have many friends who I refer to as "fallen Catholics" and can understand their distaste for the subject), but rather that they are responding to their own conscience. Being in constant rebellion against their own conscience, they feel threatened by such simple statements. They want to live in a world where they can believe their path in life is acceptable and that they are not on a path towards peril. This falsely created bliss is threatened, and hence they become very aggressive. They want to continue serving their own pleasures and interests in full magnitude and resent the thought that this is detrimental against them. They cherish their pleasures and the worshipping of themselves and can become very defensive if their conscience against this is awakened within them. This is also true of the professing Christian who does not like to hear rebuke against their ways.

After all, we are creatures of survival, and it is our natural instinct of self preservation to be selfish and to seek our own betterment. But in such a world without God, where everyone is only selfish and seeks their own betterment, we have the survival of the fittest – the Nazi supreme philosophy, no compassion, and where the weaker suffer. And when the weaker suffer, God looks down, is in pain, hears and answers to their prayers and calls for help. And moves people to be compassionate, or works against the tide of the selfish with his magic. It is this very selfishness and instinctive self preservation and self betterment which is the source of much evil in the world. People can be in perpetual starvation and suffering on the other side of the world, but rather than lift a finger and sacrifice even one percent of one's wealth, most people exercise 100% maximization of all their resources and opportunities for the betterment of themselves alone, hiding behind some argument like, "Well, they are over there, and the government should be responsible for something like that. Or some charitable organization. Or that just proves that God does not exist." Meanwhile, they would scream bloody murder at any increase in taxes which would be aimed at helping out their weaker suffering brother.

So it is the same when they scream bloody murder when their conscience is awakened, demanding from them sacrifice and a direct threat to their cherished and supremely selfish way of living. If God did not exist and was not living in their conscience, they would not get defensive around every professing Christian. In this supposed world of tolerance, they would simply respect someone else's "opinion", and be content with that. But the fact that such people can have such hostile reactions to such discussions or topics only proves that God really does exist, which makes their entire argument rather ironical.