Hello,
Hope you are well. I am hoping you receive this email somehow. I recently started dating a guy called Joseph. I really like him and we are both genuine Christians. However, I was dishonest to him. I asked to cook for him but wanting to impress him so much I decided to go to a restaurant to get the food. That was deceitful. I’m close to a guy called Chris and I was visiting him behind Joseph’s back. Chris and I actually went to the restaurant together to get the food. There is actually nothing going on between us though but I have now realised I cannot be close to him or any other guy if I want to court. I think somehow Joseph (The guy I was dating) went through my phone and saw all the messages between Chris and I and he was hurt and heart broken 🙁
He has forgiven me but won’t take me back due to trust issues we might face. I have asked God for forgiveness and I’m trying to forgive myself but the event keeps playing over and over in my head. Just wondering what he might be going through. He didn’t deserved to me lied to. I made a mistake. A costly one 🙁 I was bullied in the past and this has really affected me. I keep losing friends due to my trying to impress people by being dishonest. I know deep down I have a good heart and I never mean to hurt anyone.
Please give me some advice. Should I just let him go and pray he come back? Thank you in advance for your prayers.
Marie-Ann
Hi Marie-Ann,
I would keep trying. It’s a small deceit, and I think you can explain to him why you do things like that and that you realize it is a weakness. If he loves you he should be able to forgive a small thing like this. And you can use the incident to help motivate you to be more honest, because you can see it catches up to you and causes bigger problems. We all have some weakness, and Joseph will always find problems with anyone he starts a relationship with. Even the bible warns us of this. So both of you will need to work on compromise and bonding your relationship. If he just runs away with the first little problem, he’s going to suffer the same with his relationships in the future. Explain this to him, as gently as you can. A relationship will always require work and will always have problems which will need to be worked out, preferably in a mature manner. I really don’t think that what you did was so catastrophic. Maybe time and love will fully heal his heart. You can pray too, and pray to God to help you with your honesty. You need to focus on yourself as well. Living in regret doesn’t solve anything. Use the regret to make real change.
Karel
Thank you Karel. This has really made me feel better. I feel encouraged. I don’t think he ever wants to have anything to do with me again. Well relationship wise. But if he does bring it up sometime I will mention this. Or maybe I’ll give it a go later. Like you mentioned, I need to focus on myself as well. I spoke to my pastor today and he gave me great advice. I need to Pray more, study the Word more and grow in Faith. All I can do is pray for improvement. I mean if I hadn’t asked you guys or my pastor for advice it’d mean I didn’t care right? But I want to learn from this and change.
Yah, this could be a tricky area. As an ambitious business-like person I always like to give everything my best shot, but have found that this can turn off some people. Then again, if you don’t give it your best shot, you might spend the rest of your life dwelling over “what if?”. I think he is wrong and potentially immature and prideful. Perhaps you could do something like invite him out for dinner so that you could plea your case, explain to him that you will respect his final decision and that you will not bother him again, and carefully prepare all your arguments ahead of time. After all, I think most people would be flattered by the effort, and they get a nice meal out of it too. No great damage done.
Hoping you are still here to speak to. We managed to sort things out but things haven’t been exactly rosy. We recently had an arguement about Christians and illness. We had completely opposite views and he ended up saying “Honestly, I’m glad I know these are your views now” I asked him to explain and he said he wouldn’t want to raise his kids with the same views as mine. I asked if that meant he was breaking up and he said if I wanted to think that then okay kind of thing.
There were things I started to notice about him. He rose his voice, sometimes acted cold towards me. I was chatting with him today and he was giving me one word answers like “okay” “thanks” “nothing” etc. It didn’t feel nice. I kept asking what was wrong and he kept saying there was nothing and he had nothing to say to me.
What could be wrong Karel? I feel like I am being left in the dark. I mean are we in a relationship or not? I mean no one deserves to be treated like this. Is it time to run? I told him “I will always love you” and I don’t intend on starting a conversation with him because that silent treatment kills me.
What do you reckon Karel? I know you can only suggest and not help me make a decision. What would you do if it was you?
Hi Marie Ann,
it seems your fellow is way too immature with which to start a permanent relationship and you should confront him with something like: “Listen, I did not do anything to you so traumatic that it is unforgiveable and I deserve this treatment from you. I still love you but it looks like you need some time to think things over. We can see each other and be friends when you are in the mood. Otherwise, if we do ever decide to stay together, how we raise our children and other matters is definitely important enough to have an honest discussion with one another and not just shove it under the carpet and remain disgruntled under your breath.”
He seems like one of those guys who will hold a grudge forever as a means to get you more under his control; keep you feeling guilty so that everything can be his way. This is immature and to enter a deep and long term relationship with someone like that can lead to a lot of anguish and pain. You should definitely think things over carefully before committing yourself to him forever.
Karel
You’re absolutely right Karel. I mean a part of me just wants wants to leave it and just move on. My sisters have recommended keeping my distance. One even said similar things you have. I am a very emotional person and I would not want to be hurt all the time. However I do like the idea of confronting him. Not harshly obviously. So I might just send an email. I don’t care if he replies or not but it’d be nice to give him something to think about. Then again I might not tell him anything and painfully move on and never speak to him again. He is so arrogant that he would probably just laugh at the email or get mad. What do you suggest Karel? My head is telling me to move on but my heart wants me to send an email and then move on whether he replies or not.
If you don’t feel comfortable about confronting him then I would suggest the second option. Good way to get things off your chest. Point out to him his arrogance, if you think it will help him or the situation. He needs to grow up. If you still want to get back together then write the sweetest email, but remain true to yourself. If he ignores you it is his loss and he might realize it once he grows up enough.
From a male’s perspective, I know we can take things for granted but a little time apart often does make our hearts fonder, so perhaps it will work.
Karel
Thanks Karel, it’s always nice to have someone to speak to. After some thinking I have decided to let it go and move on. I think some things are better left unsaid. I mean telling him might just make things worse. I indirectly told him he was arrogant. I asked him what arrogance meant and how people act when they are. I even asked how to tell someone they were arrogant and strong headed. Maybe it’s the guilty conscience eating him up.
He has my details. Maybe if he really cares he’d call. If he doesn’t then good luck to him. It will be hard to move on but it’s possible. He’ll grow up somehow. It really is a shame because as a Christian I don’t think messing about with relationships is ideal. Maybe it’s the Lord’s will.
I’d have to say on the contrary. I think it’s 1 Corinthians 7 where Paul warns it is better for us to be by ourselves so that we can dedicate more of our attention to God, but because humans are lusty creatures God has offered a concession, since “it is better to marry than to burn with passion”. But people burn with passion and cannot wait to get married, so they rush into it, and once the original lust/in-love has worn off, lots of problems develop. So take your time, when you are single use the opportunity to focus more on God, and develop yourself etc. One thing I’ve learned recently with Buddhist meditation is that the mind creates all sorts of wants and cravings in response to the body. One can be firmly convinced they really need this or that to be happy, but it simply is not true. The path to bliss and true austerity is not an easy one, but the more you understand how your mind works and its interaction with the body, the more you are able to control your life.
Karel
You make an excellent point about the mind. Do you have any tips that could help?
Also I know you have told me a bit about what you thought about the situation, but can you please give me a general overview from the first ever email I sent to the most recent ones. It would really be helpful to know your opinions about the whole thing.
About the mind, it is a new concept for me and you might find some suitable reading through
http://www.suanmokkh.org/basics.htm
This is the place where I went on a ten day meditation retreat, the most famous in Thailand, and studies in details what Buddha discovered long ago. I was happy to learn that it complimented Christianity nicely and I am presently reading a book Christianity and Buddhism, which shows many parallels between the two. In short, once you slow down your mind enough and let go of that constant clutter, your mind is able to observe itself and you start to see the chain of want leading to craving leading to attachment etc. and the foundation of our very suffering as humans. That is why Christ preached an austere and simple life. It is the constant temptations around us which confuse us and lead to our suffering. Through meditation you can find the bliss in simplicity, but it is not easy. Neither is it to walk the Way, “for broad is the path to destruction and narrow are the pearly gates”. Everything is connected that way.
What concerns your relationship, the want and craving have led to attachment and you feel a need to maintain it in order to be happy. People give themselves some goal which they believe will lead them to happiness, but often its like a stick and a carrot they attach to their heads and they spend their lives chasing it, never really reaching this happiness. Or once they get married, have their big house, car in the driveway and everything they thought would make them happy, they stop and realize they are as they were when they started.
So instead of constantly dwelling on how to salvage this relationship, assuming it is key to your happiness, you should find the true source of happiness, which is inside you, or through Christ. If you happen to find someone who is mature and you enjoy each others’ company, consider that a bonus, but not something that is mandatory for your happiness. From what you’ve told me this fellow seems too immature and you will open yourself up to a lifetime of agony serving him. Get what you need off your chest and tell him what you want, but wipe your hands of the matter. If he grows up and comes back to you, then you can talk business, but don’t centre it as the core of your future happiness.
Karel