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God wants us to be as children and HE is our loving and gentle Father.........

Hi Ann, enjoying the discussions as usual. Will respond to the rest of your email later once it has rummaged through my brain more. But one thing I thought I'd bring up is my recent realisation or revelation that God isn't really a he, or at least this is my new opinion, and it has helped me with some things. My theory is based on the beginning of the bible where (at least in my Zondervan translation, which seems and is supposed to be more accurate), God say something like, "Let us make man male and female, and call them man". In the footnotes man is derived from Adam, who was "formed from the ground". "The nations are dust", as it says in revelation. Long story and I go into it online, where basically I hypothesise that God formed Adam from a collection of the gene pool of humanity (dust/ground), and breathed his living life (Spirit) into his nostril to make him a "living being" (full of the Spirit). His purpose on earth to "work the ground", meaning make something out of this mess called humanity, since God was "hovering over the waters [the peoples, nations, multitudes and languages, as it says in Revelations] and saw only formlessness and darkness". "Christ is the last Adam", as it says in the New Testament. In English there is no word for neutral sex, as there is, for example, in Czech and many other languages. In Hebrew each character has an associated number, and apparently when they pumped certain rhyming verses of the bible through a computer, they found the combinations and permutations of the numbers adding up to primes of seven (a holy number) for the positive verses, and six (symbolising Satan, or decay, or sin) for negative verses. Something like that. I can believe that, considering God is all seeing and he can arrange all this in advance, since he is not subjected to time. But the more important point of all this is that God, whose name we shouldn't even pronounce because it is too complicated and beyond us, has to talk to our little brains through our limited verbal terminology and communication system. And we are even more limited when we read these words (translated and interpreted from the original Hebrew or what have you) and take them literally and at face value. So to assume that God is a man, when in fact he/she is a spirit and it makes no sense to apply genitalea to such a creature, is a standard patriarchal mechanism of our male chauvinist but stronger half species that we have so faithfully shown ourselves to be throughout history.

By perceiving God as both a woman and a man, I have developed a much greater understanding and appreciation for his grace. Like a mother and a disciplining father at the same time. Always looking out for me, out of love, while disciplining me at the same time, again out of love. Which would also relate to the healing you were talking about in the rest of your letter. Anyway, things make more sense to me now when I perceive God this way, instead of just a harsh, disciplinary and judgemental father. I can see now how he would get hurt, to a certain degree, whenever I constantly blame him for all my silly problems. Something like that. Just some food for thought.


I can only reply for feelings. I am such that I realize that there is a higher power..GOD....3 persons...Father, Son, Holy Spirit.........I surrender the who, what, when, where, how, why..... to God........My Faith allows me to just be a child and to surrender all questions to Him.....for ME God is male......the femininity (WHICH IS CRUCIAL) is from Mary.......If there is any one thing I personally blame as to the problem in our world is the fact that women have lost their true femininity...they compete....have to wear pants.......short are opponents to overcome, manipulate and control.......they "screech like crows" and have abandoned being loving and peaceful wives and mothers FIRST.! If they have aborted to succeed..the they have destroyed their feminine being as created by God.......why I feel that many become so angry.......they have killed the very part of themselves as God created them ......that fact alone has put men in a different position and as a result we have become off balance and we are not WHOLE and are going against God.......Satan's plan is to de- masculinize men and make women more masculine and controlling...very sad. Over 55 million abortions a year sadly confirms that point. ..divorce...etc Whatever you believe God to are right! in the great importance of balance. To me, God is so loving, cuddly , understanding and forgiving........and Mary is so feminine, so maternal and so strong in a delicate and feminine power.......real strength is not is a loud voice of anger.......real strength is in gentle truth and authenticity. I also believe that in intellectual matters we can spend alot of time reading, memorizing, studying questioning, arguing, to make things clear. In Spiritual matters, we do not "think" through things..we obey. In Spiritual matters if we "think" we will only "think" ourselves into further wandering thoughts and more confusion. If God puts His pressure upon us in certain areas......then it is for us to obey in that area. If we bring every argument..frustration...every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ regarding this matter then everything will become crystal clear as daylight to us. It is nothing short of miraculous to me when the scales of mental static and confusion just lift and dissipate and everything just becomes instantly so clear...and it was there all the is miraculous. Reasoning is not how we see spiritually. We see like children and when we try to be wise we see nothing. Anything that is not directly under the control of the Holy Spirit will allow for spiritual confusion to ensue........We will spend all of our days "THINKING" and never make it clear......Spiritual discernment enters when we are obeying God. As soon as we obey we have discernment. When we are confused, it is the state of our mind. We enter this world without speech, with faith and trust......we leave it the same........when we simplify and empty as a child faith and trust...and obedience.....then we become wise. God illuminates in a way that is so crystal clear, so highly elevated and yet so simple. It is amazing and it is always there if only we would open the way and clear out the static confusion that competes. This has never failed for me......its like going on a diet or quitting or changing anything ..we can "talk ,read..research, study...analyze, question, rationalize, explain, defend, protect, experiment," etc the end........only when I surrender and obey and actually clear the static to LISTEN to His voice will it work. You are in my prayers...keep me in yours as well.....praying is powerful!:) ...God Bless you this day!.........Ann

will answer in a stream of thought like usual. Not really defending my views but just responding. I guess I've been struggling with this full surrender concept for quite some time, and contemplating on it. I remember I was once driven to the point of despair because of a lack of cash flow. I wasn't sure if I was going to be paid for some larger projects, there wasn't that much work on the table, I started going through all my drawers and pockets looking for spare change, and I saw the imminent cliff of starvation, bills and ultimate bankruptcy quickly approaching with no hope in site. Which is when I let go, seeing there was nothing left to do and worrying wouldn't help, and I attained a beautiful feeling of bliss and freedom. For a full day. But the next day some more work came in, perhaps a big payment landed on my account and I had to worry how to distribute the funds, some more bills and invoices came in by mail, and it was back to the usual stale grind where that feeling of bliss became a distant memory. Certainly the line in the bible which comes to my mind is when Jesus talks about the Word of God being like seed, and that there are three ways one can lose it, one being by the worries of this life which creep into our lives like thorns, strangling the Word. Those worries certainly felt like thorns. Another line which comes to my mind is of the rich man who approached Jesus asking about salvation. He said he gives to charity and does all sorts of good things. Jesus replied that he was doing well, so he can go on his way. Yet the rich man still felt something was missing, so Jesus told him to give all his wealth to the poor and to come and follow him. The rich man couldn't and walked away downcast, after which Jesus said that it is harder for a rich man to get into heaven than a camel to walk through the eye of a needle.

I've been praying for several years that I want to give more of myself, like the rich man wanted, yet I do not want to surrender myself completely, or surrender all that I have, and the worries of invoices and all that clutter up things. I love my little truck, and finally being able to live on a beach, and the last thing I want to do is to move back to cold and stinky Prague, to deal with those people, like that guy in the Old Testament who didn't want to go back to Nineveh but rather wished God would just pour down burning sulfur from the sky and rid the earth of that detestable, godless town. Czechs are statistically the most atheistic on the planet, at around 85% of the population. I don't really have a problem with them, although the pretentiousness which has come to Prague the last several years I truly do find repulsive. I tried starting my own church there and getting involved in charity and all that, but nothing seemed to work and I simply do not want to keep trying, there. Something should have happened the fifteen years that I did live there, and then perhaps I would not have left. I also hate the idea of all my hard work going to waste, and starting something completely different, even though I may enjoy more what I would be doing. I guess it's my pride talking again, but I did ask God a few times if I should abandon all that I have built up, and fortunately he responded no.

So I guess it's just a hard struggle of letting go of that last thread of reigns or something, while praying to God to help me let go of them. So he is subjecting me to this frustration on purpose, I guess. And I groan because of the frustration, yet still do not want to let go. My speculation.

Concerning not analyzing things to death, the Old Testament many times says that it is good to seek wisdom and greater understanding, although I can see your point. I was once in the company of debating theologians and they certainly seemed lacking in spirituality, almost dismissing everything and feeling they are so smart.

On the other hand, ignorance is bliss, and from that perspective self-serving. The kind of people I like to hang around with would only pat someone like that on the head and dismiss them as a naive little child. They are hard nuts to crack, and the primary reason why I have taken on greater wisdom and understanding, including of secular things, would be so that I could intellectualize with these people and bring them around to Christ. Many of them I consider what I like to call "fallen Catholics", who have been indoctrinated to death during their youth and have grown extremely repulsed at listening to the standard formula message. So I would need to engage myself at their level of understanding to convince them of the greater truth. Something like that.

Well, anyway, it's always nice discussing these issues with you. One of the more frustrating elements of my frustrations is that things are simply not happening, I feel there is a stumbling block set in front of everything I try to do, yet I do not get any explanation for it, or an alternate path to take.

Have a good one and I will meditate on your salvation. Karel


as usual, thanks for your inspiring words. Still need to respond to some of your earlier emails.

We were out of town. You think Prague is bad..try Las Vegas!:) We had business meetings there which were wonderful. I certainly hope that the foreigners going there do not think that this represents America...or perhaps it does........yikes! I hope that this finds you healthy, happy. and feeling blessed. I did reflect and gather my thoughts to respond. It appears that you have trouble with the concept of "letting go"..........that is not a problem per se.......but an awareness.........we can't grow or move forward unless we between you and God decide why this is so difficult.......what makes you afraid.......resistant.......what is it you resist.......?

I guess I do not want to give up my warm beach and weather, and my travel dreams. Feels like God may be against this plan, although he seemed neutral when I asked him if I can move forward with it. When I first moved to Prague he really seemed for that idea, and he indicated I should have cut short my trip to Mexico and hurried back to Prague etc. But I already spent 15 years there and had enough of it, and nothing really panned out for me there, so I didn't want to stay there longer. I tried to start a church and get involved in charity, and my business did not succeed as much as I hoped. I've worked hard my whole life and simply want to treat myself, in terms of finally escaping horrid cold winters. I still want to do charity and all that, and do not have aspirations what concerns buying a house, spending all my resources on a mortgage, new car every year, putting kids through university etc. I've learned to survive on 10 bucks a day, don't pay rent or electricity, am pretty green environmentally, don't waste, yet continue to run my business etc. I look for how I can volunteer for charity while traveling, which can be difficult if always on the move, but that doesn't stop me from helping out over the internet, or contributing to this or that financially. So I guess I have my own plan how I want to "be good", while enjoying my life as well. Perhaps that just makes me the fence sitter and "lukewarm" that God does not want me to be. On the other hand, I read recently in Ecclesiastics that extremes are not good and that one shouldn't go all out to be overly righteous. Okay, so I'm not worthy to follow Jesus because I do not want to abandon all my aspirations. Maybe at some point in the future, but I'd really rather not go something like Paul's route and be in chains and constantly suffer for the benefit of the gospel. I know it's selfish, and I guess that's mostly what I do not want to let go of. I'd like to do good if it doesn't overly inconvenience me etc. Perhaps I'd be happier if I was filled with the Holy Spirit while suffering at the same time, but I'd rather not lose my caravan truck, lose everything I have, abandon all my aspirations and everything I've worked towards, to find out whether this would be true. But I may try something like that in the future. I used to feel great zeal for God when I first came around to him, but at that time I didn't really have anything to lose and I was beginning my career life. The bible also says that each of us has different skills. I do not think that God necessarily wants all of us to be like Jesus. After all, the world needs farmers, and managers, and workers of different sorts. I do not think it is God's plan for all of us to become preachers. The problem is that for the past two years I've felt many stumbling blocks against me, but never received much clear instruction exactly what I was supposed to do. Although I doubt I would go back to Prague if I was told to do that. So perhaps I'm in the limbo thing. Who knows. The bible says that God can send us warnings in our dreams. I do not see any great problem for him to speak to me more directly. Many people keep talking about listening carefully to that "little voice" inside us. Generally I feel I'm pretty sensitive, about listening to my own body, other people's feelings, etc., but also I feel God can speak loud and clear like thunder if he wants to, and I shouldn't perpetually seek out some little voice and guess what I'm supposed to be doing. But like I said, he has saved my butt when it was about to plough into the ground, on countless occasions during the last two years while I've been traveling (and before of course), and he pointed out to me that I've lost certain customers due to my own arrogance, so pride has been my downfall. So the humility lesson has been good, yet I'd like something more to be happening with my life, and the opportunity to do good, and I feel it odd that things just have not panned out considering all my skills, and because I have always been honest, run an honest translation business, tried to do good etc. Perhaps it is my tendency to get high on myself when things go well, and drink a lot of beer when I can afford it. Although when things were going well in the past I feel I've managed to keep these under control well enough. Things just seem to be moving too slowly, God seems too quite, and with all my skills and hard work I feel I should be much further ahead than I am, and not struggling in the doldrums like this. If it is to teach me humility, then I can accept this, but sometimes it just seems that God has been putting a thumb on my development while not really communicating with me. But I'm thankful that I have this beach here and everything is at least barely working out. I'd just like to be more useful and do some great good, and accomplish a lot of good.

Well, think I've covered most of the bases. Have a good one. :0)

As for analyzing things.......your mind is a gift from learn, to grow, to seek wisdom is wonderful........It is HOW we apply that EGO know the most..debate the mightiest...etc..all for our OWN esteem and personal gain, competition..etc..........if we align with God the Holy Spirit infuses us through our own humility with real WISDOM........we eliminate ourselves as the power and surrender to is never about mention empty theologians......lacking spirituality but pontificating upon deaf mention fallen Catholics........they defend themselves because they feel guilt.........when people are faced with truth they feel guilt...others who want to live a life of sin like to surround themselves with others of like kind who defend it makes them feel ok..the truth would convict them ......... You should not have to worry about how to speak to different personality types........when you are filled with God......He infuses you........with greater wisdom and depth than you could ever possess by working and TRYING. Sometimes no words and a strong example of happiness, kindness and love are what He asks. You mention perpetual stumbling me this is another sign from God........a red flag.........that says He is speaking to you........when things do not work out as WE plan it is usually because God has other is up to you to find out what He wants of you.......... I read this...."Imagine that as we drive along in the journey of life, we see Jesus on the side of the road. Most of us pick Him up and put Him in the trunk just in case we get into trouble and may need Him....just like a spare tire. As we travel along, we come to a place where we decide to let Jesus come out of the trunk and sit in the back seat for a while. It feels a little safer knowing he is back there. We converse with Him and find that He seems genuinely interested in us. WE also recognize that He is not a backseat driver. He does not try to tale over the controls of the car. Some of us enter a place in our spiritual journeys where we decide that it might be nice to invite Jesus to come up and sit in the passenger seat. It feels good to have Him there.We enjoy being close to Him and spending more time with Him. One day we ask Jesus "why is it I don't have peace in my life?" He answers "Because I'm not driving your car." This is very frightening ;we are not at all sure we want Jesus to drive. We do not want to relinquish control of our lives to anyone, including Jesus. This is a trust issue. Every single person knows where Jesus is sitting in the car of his or her life. Everyone reading this today knows where Jesus is. You know too. For instance, do you sometimes drive close to the places where you know He hangs ours in hopes of seeing Him? Do you know where on the road you can find Him?Do you drive by often, looking at Him and longing to stop and invite Him into your car? Have you picked Him up yet? If He is in your car, are you happy with His location? if He is in your car, are you happy with the location? You know today,right now, where Jesus is sitting. Is there another place you would like Him to be? Who can change that? And consider; If Jesus is driving the car of your life,are you being a back seat driver? God knows your heart and He rejoices over your communication. "My Lord Jesus, I have lived my life my way. I have done wrong things. I repent of all my sin. Please forgive me. I trust you now to be my Savior. Thank you for dying in my place. I ask you now for the gift of Eternal life. I give my life to you and I want you to be my Lord. Help me live for You by the power of your Holy Spirit. These things I pray in Jesus' name. Amen" Have a great day........I also will focus on this little parable today.......... .Fall is upon us here in Nebraska...........cooler temps............leaves turning........a new season.............God bless........Ann