I pray that you will have the spirit of comfort to help you get through any pain.
Concerning the girl, I think that my answer should be the same as I already said. It doesn't seem like a very good excuse and there is always a solution to any problem and if she loved you enough I think she would want to overcome such a small obstacle. Therefore, I think you might eventually be glad that it worked out this way because you might be saving yourself problems later. She doesn't seem so solid, but then again, I don't know her and I'm just guessing.
I don't know if I'm a cold m.f. but I personally do not believe so much in directional love. Love for me emanates outward, comes from the fountain of Christ, and overflows to everyone around me. A lot of times it seems that the love of Christ that emanates outward flows over to people I am talking to, they see the light in my eyes, their eyes light up, I stare in the light in their eyes and their happier face and it makes me happier. Kind of like it bounces back off them and I get more for the money. It is kind of like having a garden and planting lot's of nice flowers in it. I see the flowers and the happiness goes through my eyes into my heart and makes me happy to be surrounded by God's beauty.
I think for me God will always be number one in my directional love, followed by a distance second (hopefully) to my wife, if I ever find one, and then afterwards by my mom etc.
Anyway, I don't want to be wrong, but for me, the only time when I felt how you are explaining was when I was love sick for some girl. This was usually at the beginning of a relationship and was interwoven with uncertainty. Once I had grown confident that she was "mine", that feeling subsided, unless I grew uncertain again, was jealous, or if she was unfaithful to me or something. Otherwise life would go on as usual, we would have a great time together, etc. etc.
The last time this happened I was with the girl for a very short time and I was suspended in pain cause I did not know what the deal was. It turned out that there was no way. I would have rather she tell me to take a hike so I could have just worked on killing the pain, but I was not certain, so I was suspended in agonising hope, which made everything terrible.
I find the best way to deal with such feelings is to ride the pain train, letting it get you right down as deep as the knife wound wants to get, loosening your muscles so that the stab can complete its full penetration in a short a time as possible and then slowly ride up. Meditate on the pain, let it pass completely through you. I highly do not recommend going out and getting wasted, trying to numb the feeling, or covering it over with sand by sleeping with other girls, perhaps even hurting someone who loves you. This is not cool and I frankly feel it is childish, selfish and unnecessary. You may just be worsening things cause you are adding to bad energy, which might add to your pain now or come back later. I don't think is going to help by numbing it with every sort of drug etc. cause the knife is going to penetrate to its desired depth anyway and numbing it in this fashion will make healing slower, and if it does not heal properly you might have a permanent scar, although you gave me the impression that you will let Christ heal it for you fully and that you will come out of this without any resentment, which would only hurt your own spiritual growth.
Concerning the killing yourself, all I can think of is to say, take it like a man and cut the bullshit. Really. I think you might just need a little kick in the but to realise it can't be such a big deal, blah blah blah.
Okay, that's my little suggestion concerning the girl thing, now I would like to make a further suggestion.
It seems almost shocking to me that there exists churches which simply do not provide any guiding instruction in the ways and instructions of the bible. It is like they are filtering out all that may be challenging, that may ruffle their "customers'" feathers, possibly affecting lower returns on their investment. This is disgusting. The church should think about you and guide you and focus less on its earnings etc.
Therefore, I would like to get into detail and explain to you that:
sexual immorality <which in very much likelihood means sex before marriage>, impurity and debauchery;  idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions  and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
I can go on and on and give you a MILLION examples of this which firmly warn that obedience is necessary. You can’t sit on the fence and let the grace of Christ perpetually wash you while you roll around in the mud. Sure, his grace is infinite and he’ll do it anyway cause he loves you and all that, but I think you would definitely be better off if you made a concerted effort to concentrate on these things. You will be better off not only in the next life but also this, because we cannot always see how the yeast comes up later. We only see symptoms of this later and end up blaming God or something, letting ourselves get immersed in the source and root of these problems more and more, as Satan would like to have it.
But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you wholeheartedly obeyed the form of teaching to which you were entrusted.  You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.
RO 6:19 I put this in human terms because you are weak in your natural selves. Just as you used to offer the parts of your body in slavery to impurity and to ever-increasing wickedness, so now offer them in slavery to righteousness leading to holiness.  When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness.  What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death!  But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life.  For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
RO 7:5 For when we were controlled by the sinful nature, the sinful passions aroused by the law were at work in our bodies, so that we bore fruit for death.
RO 7:17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.  I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.  For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing.  Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
RO 7:21 So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.  For in my inner being I delight in God's law;  but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.  What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?  Thanks be to God--through Jesus Christ our Lord!
RO 8:3 And so he condemned sin in sinful man,  in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.
RO 8:5 Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.  The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace;  the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so.  Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God.
RO 8:9 You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ.  But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness.  And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you.
RO 8:12 Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation--but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it.  For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live,  because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.  For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father."  The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children.
RO 8:20 For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope  that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God
Here are some excerpts so that you do not take this lightly:
each should give according to what he has decided in his heart, for God loves a cheerful giver2 Corinth. 9:7
the righteous - those who obey the law, not those who only hear it Romans 13 <?
no one will be declared righteous by observing the law Romans 3:20+
God listens to those who do his will John 9:31
to not die,.. 2 Peter 1:5
whoever obeys my commands will be loved by God & Jesus John 14:21
you are friends of Christ if you follow his commands John 15:14
the disobedient will not enter God’s rest Hebrews 4:6
eternal salvation for all who obey Jesus Hebrews 5:9
repentance leads to salvation 2 Corinth 7:10
those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God Romans 8:8
if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live Romans 8:13
follow my laws so you may [continue to] live and take possession of the land [country - Paul] God is giving you Deut 4:1; 32:46
by perseverance produced a good crop Luke 8:15
fighting debauchery 1 Peter 4:3+..
perseverance leading to .. 2 Peter 1:15 <?
not everyone who says ‘Lord’ will enter the kingdom of Heaven but only those who do God’s will Mathew 7:21
relying on Christ (?) Romans 7:7-25
wise builder - who puts Christ’s words into practice Luke 6:46
any (sin) is breaking the entire law James 2:10
do not use your freedom in Christ to indulge the sinful nature Galatians 5:13
warning against falling away Hebrews 5:11
those who do not obey will be judged (even if believe??) John 12:47
put to death all earthly nature Collos 3:5-10
I think the vivid dreams you had about wrestling with Satan could have been a message from God what may be in store for you if you play with fire, or wrestle with the devil so to speak. Don’t wrestle with him for he will outsmart you, always. Yes, you were right in relying on the light to protect you against the devil, but don’t let your actions dim the light, for “it is our sin that separates us from our God”.
This means excessive drunkenness, smoking pot, sex and all that stuff.
I have to say that I love pot, the occasional hit of acid maybe, drinking beer etc. I used to grow pot and was stoned half of my waking life. But God sent me a strict message. Unfortunately, I have not been able to be true 100% and I let myself slip occasionally, but I would like at least that you consider this point and try to make an effort to make yourself holy and clean. This way, you will help in creating conditions for a closer and healthier relationship with God and the Holy Spirit. Sure, they will always clean you, when you fall on your knees and beg for forgiveness, but why let it get that far (although I know we never can be perfect). I at least found that I did not need all these things. Going cold turkey was quite painful but I have learned that they really are not necessary and that I am much happier now focusing on God and I hope to do that more and more. I hope to jump in the race, for time is short and we will not be able to go back and change our lives once we have completed it. I believe that no matter how “good” a person might be, we will all see how we have fallen short of the glory of God and regret that we have not somehow tried harder. I am trying to focus my mind more and more on this and hope that I will one day be able to follow the greatest commandment, which is “love your God with all your might, all your strength and all your soul”.
Well, I guess that’s all I can think of saying for now. My big boss just called and is demanding a translation of one article pronto.
Feel free to correspond whatever comes to your mind.
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