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Heart Sick for Past Wife

I have been divorced for 5+ years now. We have know each other for 12+ years. I have been seeing her this time for the past 7 months. In the beginning we were seeing each about every day. We both were extremely happy with the way things were going with one another and even talked about the future. Then all the sudden she started pulling away for no explained reason. Now we seldom even talk. But, now for me I feel like just giving up with ever trying to have any type of relationship. I feel myself building those walls again to prevent anyone from ever entering in again. I've also lost all interest in everything else. I feel I give to much of myself when trying to build a relationship. Can you stop yourself from giving to much? Is it wrong to do so? I truly do love this woman and still am in love her. I blame myself because I opened my heart to her and trusted her with it. But, I feel though she used me instead. Yes, I am feeling depressed over this. I've My self esteem is now extremely low again, as well as my self confidence.


I will answer this in a stream of thought.

I don’t know whether you are a believer so I will answer you first under the assumption that you are a believer and then try the other way. First of all, I feel there is no real need to have a “relationship”. In 1 Corinthians 7, God through Paul essentially recommends to us that, if we are already single, we should remain single. This way, we can focus on what is more important, such as serving God or on producing good around us rather than for example focusing on serving and satisfying our partner. In this passage though, it also says that it is better to marry than to burn with passion. After a few relationships and after some ‘strategic’ nudging from God, I got tired of being entangled in a relationship, where each partner submitted their demands and became caught in a wrestling match. I blocked the thought of having any further relationships from my head and now find that I feel very free. As Paul said he wished everyone was like him in his single state and that he wished to spare those he was addressing from the troubles of a partnership, I would like to say the same to you. But that is me and it needs not apply to you.

Concerning your relationship with this person, it occurred to me that the reason she started pulling away was that she felt the relationship was returning to where it was before. I don’t know who broke up with who, but perhaps she was enjoying the friendship you were renewing but felt that you were gaining hope to “patch things up”. Because you were married so long, you may have been a large part of her life and she enjoyed renewing a friendship with someone that was a large part of her life and who had a dear spot in her heart. But, after seeing that you were gaining hope to renew your previous relationship, the reasons why she separated from you in the first place resurfaced in her mind and she decided she did not want to go “down that road” all over again. (Note that I have to guess all these things, based on the information you gave me alone.) This decision of hers need not be anything against you but is based solely on the decision she made earlier.

Regarding giving too much of yourself, you can never give too much of yourself. You do not expend any special energy by giving to someone. Mother Teresa for example gave her entire life to the poor and said she could NEVER give back the reward she received from it. If you rely on the replenishing and infinite spirit of Christ for example, you will always be given more “energy” than you will EVER be able to give.

What could be negative though is the disappointment gained from lost expectations. You gave but you expected something in return perhaps. Regarding relationships, the bible says that, as men, it is our role to love our wives UNCONDITIONALLY. This seems often quite against the nature of a man, but when we as partners fulfil our responsibilities as recommended to us in the bible, it is apparently the best relationship we can create together.

I would recommend loving her further. I would not recommend closing your heart, for, if you close your heart, you close yourself from life, which will only hurt you. Love her unconditionally. If you feel she took advantage of you and hurt you but you feel that you love her anyway, keep on loving her. Maybe one day you will be able to tell her this without any expectations of what she might give back to you and you will feel totally free in your heart.

There is no reason why this should lower your self esteem. If she made some decision why she no longer wanted to remain involved with you, that is her decision and it needs not be personal nor affect how you feel about yourself. You should be able to look at yourself and find qualities that you can be proud of. Christ is always standing by willing to tell you how much he loves you, to nurture you, and fill your heart with all the Love you need. But people many times need something they can SEE and feel by touch, not in the heart alone.

I pray that I have answered you with due sensitivity. I receive these requests and feel sometimes that I would like to be more sincere and less logical in my responses. I apologise if I do not seem like I “feel” so much with you, but I hope that I have at least helped you in some way. Please feel free to ask any more questions and I will be glad to answer you. This response was a stream of response from your original request.

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