> I've noticed that I'm displaying a few classic signs of depression, and that is
probably what should be
addressed. I've always felt worthless, but when Jay and I fell in love, I thought life was
worth living. Since then, we have become "just friends" at his request. It
really hurts to hear that he is not attracted to me anymore, though once in a while (about
once per week), he will make comments alluding to wanting sex and/or marriage. When I talk
to him later about what he's said, he denies saying it, that I am just imagining things.
I've noticed that he makes those comments when he's been drinking or when he's been up all
> What I want is for Jay to love me again, 24 hours a day.
What I need is to learn that he isn't good for me, and to rise above the depression. It is
interfering with my work and family life.
> Please help.
I would probably be tempted to say he's not good for you. As a male, I think the best
way to 'try' and make a man love you is to distance yourself from him. If this invokes him
to realise something major is missing in his life and if he loves you enough, he will
force himself to overpower his self pride and chase after you. Then you have something to
work it. On the other hand, if you love him more when he does not express the same, I
think men tend to have the tendency to have such a thing go to their heads, they get even
more proud, start taking you for granted and most likely start treating you worse. Another
trick is to play a game where you let him see you have fun relationships with one or other
guys, invoking jealousy.
These of course might be good ways to try to win his love back. I don't want to write him
off totally. I'm not there to see how he behaves.
On another note, it might be good to start building up your inner strength so that you
do not need to rely on a man. Or rather, if you want to rely on a man, I would highly
recommend Jesus. He will always love you and love to give you his spiritual love, which
should fill up your soul so that you would not need to seek satisfaction elsewhere.
Feel free to ask any more questions and offer more information, according to which I
can make further suggestion attempts at what might be good for you.
We will pray that you will be happy and that everything works out.
good to hear from you again.
> Yep, I got your mail, and it did help greatly. When most people offer opinions
problems, they usually say "he's a jerk, drop him!" or "Get over it!".
I think that's a problem with today's society, and why we see so many divorces. People
just don't want to work for something, or try.
True true true
> Jay did admit that part of his behavior is due to losing his father so suddenly.
Spending time apart made him realize I *do* mean something to him. Things aren't peachy
yet, but he's beginning to "come around", at least sometimes, it seems.
I don't think you should let him hide behind an excuse. I think you should keep hammering
him to open his heart to you so that the relationship could be equal, loving and mutually
beautiful. Give him love when he needs it and demand love when you need it. Don't let up.
From what you are saying, it seems to me that you are standing on firmer ground (Christ),
so you will probably have to carry more than your weight of the relationship (although one
can say Jesus is providing you with support, and the chain continues..).
Also, the bible says that you should not bond with non-believers. So, I think it would
definitely be a good idea to try to bring him to Christ (although it makes no sense to
hammer it in his brain ofcourse), otherwise you will be serving him and Christ while he
will be serving you and himself and it is just not as healthy a relationship I think. That
is another reason why there are so many divorces because people concentrate on serving
themselves more. They enter a relationship with certain expectation and later, when their
expectations are not fulfilled, they start to stop losing interest. Believers who
earnestly seek God though should have a better chance because they are less motivated by
their own selfishness.
> I am having him contact me if he wants to see me. I am not always available, due
to work commitments.
However, I am almost afraid to leave him alone as he is feeling very depressed and I don't
want him to think that *no one* cares. Complicating matters is that he has temporarily
lost his license due to a drunk driving charge while on vacation in Florida. I am the only
friend he has in our town (though we do have friends about 20 minutes away), so he needs
me to run errands with/for him.
> I do want him to realize that (cliche') I have needs too. Unfortunately, one is
I want to be intimate with him, and he rarely does. I think it is partially due to his
fondness for alcohol. He seems to think I can just go find someone else "to do the
deed", but I don't want anyone else. I was seeing another man for about a month, but
he was far from being what I want. Jay seems to like to make me think that I am perverted
for wanting sex. I feel very awkward every time sex/intimacy is exposed to me (TV,
magazines, etc.). To the point that I well up in tears sometimes. I really need intimate
contact with someone I care about, and I'm not getting it. How do I "get over"
You don't have to get over this. It is your need. You are you and there is nothing to be
ashamed of. He has needs too and he should realise that a relationship means fulfilling
each other's needs. Perhaps not one hundred percent. Perhaps your needs will not be met
one hundred percent and perhaps he could never give you one hundred percent. By
withdrawing from him so to speak, you make him realise all the needs you fulfil for him
and you have perfect right to demand that your needs are met too (at least try try try).
As the bible says, the woman should serve the man and the man should love his wife
unconditionally. This to me shows an equal relationship but in different ways, for men and
women are fundamentally different.