Jealous and Troubled
i was browsing the net for anything to help and help me when
i landed on your site and then i'm sitting here thinking that maybe its time i
started talking to god again.
mine is a long and i guess where i play the 'wrong person' in all other ppl's eyes. so where do i start?
god and i used to be close. not really close but okay. i talk to him out loud. i treat him as if he was an invisible person who i get mad at, argue with and thanked. that's how i 'pray' to him. but i was never religious. i guess it has something to do with the image of being that meant being goody goody which i disliked.
about two years ago, my sister koori introduced to the internet to me and my other sis, aisho. chatting was inevitable and i was soon hooked on that as well. i got so addicted to it. i loved it so much i still do although i deliberately quit but i'm skipping ahead.
see, i met this guy (yeah, bottom line i guess its a guy thing, sad ins't it?) his name's andy. he was like the best fun i can ever remember. we shared a lot of crazy (harmless) and definitely happy times. and then i introduced him to my older sis, koori.
he never knew we were sisters cause my sis forbade that info to come out. he thought we were like best friends. so picture this. three of us having fun at three am (his time would be 2 pm) that's were my insecurities came. i've always hero-worshipped my sis when i was still young and i guess some part of me still does (cause how else can you explain and that too much vulnerability and oversensitiveness that only she can skewer with just a few words or a look) koori was the eldest. she was independent, perfectionists and strong willed. i was someone who failed at her algebra class, and i suspect someone without much vibrancy in soul. i noticed andy began liking koori much which puts us on the same level. i started getting jealousy streaks. the way i figure it is that he likes her now as much as he likes me, who's to say he won't like her better than me and start to look for her all the time leaving me tha sorry ass in the shadows. i couldn't take it. he was like my special friend. i think i actually fell in love with him. it became a competition. like we were vying for his attention. koori denies this and says we're all just friends. that he was never mine and that ;m being stupid. my mom takes her side. my other sis, aisho takes here side. even the logical side of me accepts that i am wrong. which is why i said i am the wrong person the enemy on all the other ppl's eyes.
i love andy. i can't stand to watch koori exude her bright charms and see myself overshadowed at the back. three's a crowd. hah. *smiles* when we were kids, i used to cry alone because i was always excluded. being the third child, koori and aisho would locked themselves in their room where i was forbidden to come in. i remember sitting on the floor just outside their door, straining to listen to whatever the hell they were doing inside. i would remember hearing them sing and laugh and i was alone in the dark.
another memory was where i selfishly and cruelly forbade my cousin (who felt i was her best best best friend in the world) to speak to koori, because i was jealous that she would pay attention and treat my cousins so nicely and yet treat me otherwise. me, her own sister.
i was too young back then to realize the hidden anger and hatred inside. until andy. i hated her so much. i hated myself for being so damn partial to her. and i hated god. for giving me this joy and taking it away form me. i hated him for bringing me to this family where i feel so out of place. i mean, look from the most basic however illogical, lineup in the family, koori was the eldest, followed by aisho, followed by my older brother who is a bit retarded, then me, then two other brothers. it has always landed in pairs. two older sis and two younger brothers. i feel like we're both outcasts in our own family. i thinkin you think i'm sick and mean and selfish and and whatever....but i honestly feel too much depressed. i've been depressed for a year already.
my visible hatred came from grief. when i forced myself to disappear from chat and internet. although at that time, i hadn't realized it was grief. and i blamed koori for taking my "fun" away from me. that's how childish it is. but in my heart it doesn't feel childish. its real.
right now, they all think its fine and okay. but i still cry inside. i still miss me so much. and i still hate her so much. i call her bitch all the time in my mind. and i hate god for not helping me. ive been cursing him and begging him to help me show me a sign naysign just take it away... but it never does. so i think of death. but i'm too afraid of the hell that comes from suicide. so i slash my arms and when that was too visible i started with my legs. seeing blood satisfies me. it makes me feel better. and then i tell myself over naf over that its okay. its okay. i don't need them.
but it never goes away...
lately i've been asking god to kill me. to take me away from all this. i doubt my family will miss me that much. my mom and dad yeah. they'd cry.. everybody will but i honestly don't think i i matter much in the family.
i've always asked god why he brought me to this family. i dont fit it. i don't belong here.
i guess thats why i hide in my dreamworld. i dont have real friends. no, i do have friends. a couple of them really cares for me but they don't understand. none of them understands.
no one would listen to me long enough and quietly enough for me to unload it all. they all think i'm wrong and i should quit being a bitch and be nice. but thinking of what i lost, its too much. andy was the first guy, hell the first person to like me for who i am. to welcome me with so much warmth because he liked me for who i am. can you imagine how that would feel to someone who was never popular who never felt comfortable with big shot society slaves?
am i boring you?
can you please talk to me? please? the first time i told my story, i never got an answer. now i write with all my emotions and this doesn't even cover half of it...please respond. even just a reprimand or something at least i know someone read this.
i can't take it anymore.
i'm a fresh graduate. a couple of someones in school gave me the confidence to dream of career. and then i was forced to work at my dad's place where it has nothing , absolutely nothing to do with advertising or art. and i can already imagine myself then years after. still working there. what's worse is that i'm racked with guilt for hating the reality of working there when he gave me so much.. so much. but.. is this all there is to my life? i don't even have anything to hope for anymore. lately, it seems i gave up on hope itself. this would be the best opportunity to say life sucks. but i won't because my life doesn't suck. i've a good life. its my emotions that are shot. its my emotional life who's dying.
i can't think of anyone who i can turn to. god ins' real. i can't feel him. i can't see him. i have to see him to hold him.. oh in know in my heart he's probably looking at me right now. but i cant see it...in my state of emotional despair, i have to see him to trust him to help me... so i lash at him and i stopped going to church. i stopped wanting to learn things which i wanted to learn because of someone or something and when you want to learn it becomes a dream, however small it is and i don't want to experience that dream bubble to burst in front of me so soon. i don't know what i want.
wahts; worse is that koori recently quit from her job and transferred to our dad's company cause pa needs manpower he can trusts. the close quarters are taking its toll on me.
i've started smoking because of her.
I am not sure if I got your entire letter. I will copy in the last section of your letter so you know what I got.
I will answer you in a stream of thought, whatever comes to my mind.
I would like to tell you that God loves you, as I think he loves all of us, more than you or anyone can imagine. The bible says this too. He loves us more than any person, even our own mother or father, can. The bible says this too. But people, like you say, like to “feel” it. I believe you actually can “feel” God’s love by asking him to fill your heart with his loving spirit. I think you need this. With the loving Spirit of God and Jesus in you, I think your emotional problems would heal on all fronts. You would not have such a need to feel jealous (although it might still be there a little bit), you would feel better about yourself, you would feel extremely loved and confident, and any other emotional problems you have.
It is okay to feel jealous. Well, let’s not say it is okay; it is a destructive emotion. But it is okay in the sense that it is very natural. Once you feel better about yourself emotionally, assuming that the spirit thing worked, you could eventually consider talking about your feelings to your sisters or anyone else concerned. This is good for your soul and helps you mature more. It helps you deal with your emotions and you grow as a person. If they are insensitive to what you tell them, that would not be very nice and caring about them. But if that does happen, it does not need to affect how you feel about yourself. That is why I would suggest you resolve your inner feelings and how you feel about yourself before you take this issue to them. You should feel stronger or something like that before you try this. God tells us in the bible that we are like clay in his hands and that he breaks us down and brings us up stronger. You can imagine that the clay is your heart and that pride can make your heart clay grow harder. You become callused to the things around you and you stop feeling so much. This is when God, out of love for us, for he sees our hearts and our minds openly and knows what is best for us, might take our prideful or callused heart in his hands, crush it into powder, add water (his love) and build us back up so that our souls can grow. I’ve never felt so close to God and so filled with such love and contentment as I have after coming out of a deep period of suffering. It is truly a beautiful thing and it is often necessary for our maturing and our walk with God. It is difficult and against our nature to try and remain humble, to repress our pride and to have an open heart like the heart of the innocent child we were born as.
Try asking God’s loving spirit to come into your heart so that it could clean the dirty water in your heart, so that you could feel like a loved child, with cleansed soul, strong enough to take on a world of enemies, so to speak. If your heart shines like this, people will like you more and be attracted to you more, although I am not saying that that is not the case already. Perhaps your vision is just clouded and you do not see how the people around you truly care for you. Cleaning your heart in the manner I have said will also open your eyes more. The bible says this too. The light and love of God removes darkness from our hearts and we see things so much clearer around us. Let yourself be filled with the love of God so that you will abound in love and so that it may overflow from your inner self to all around you. You will feel no need to feel jealous cause the nature of Love, if you are filled with it, is that it simply pours out to all around you, after which some of it is bound to come back, and the cycle continues so that you and your loved (or not loved) ones around you swim around in circulating fresh water of love.
Pray: “Dear Jesus, sorry that I have been away from you for a while. I know you are full of Grace and that you will always love me no matter what I do. Satan keeps trying to get into my head and convince me that you do not love me, as you do. In the name of Jesus Christ <say all this out loud>, I command for a hedge to be built around me so that Satan cannot get between me and you. I ask that you come into my heart and heal my pain and show me the power of your love so that I could stand against the entire world, if necessary. I pray that I have a beautiful, peaceful sleep and that, when I wake up, I will be filled with your love and see how beautiful life really is. I pray to God that you supply me with the Holy Spirit, which will guide me in my life so that I do not slip again and veer off your path, down the wide path that leads away from your salvation, which you offered to us out of your Love and Grace that we humans find so difficult to understand. I pray for everyone all around me so that the whole universe is happy. I pray that you are happy. Please show me your love.”
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