Relationship/depression problems

> I've noticed that I'm displaying a few classic signs of depression, and that is probably what should be
addressed. I've always felt worthless, but when Jay and I fell in love, I thought life was worth living. Since then, we have become "just friends" at his request. It really hurts to hear that he is not attracted to me anymore, though once in a while (about once per week), he will make comments alluding to wanting sex and/or marriage. When I talk to him later about what he's said, he denies saying it, that I am just imagining things. I've noticed that he makes those comments when he's been drinking or when he's been up all night.

> What I want is for Jay to love me again, 24 hours a day.
What I need is to learn that he isn't good for me, and to rise above the depression. It is interfering with my work and family life.

> Please help.

>

Hi Carrie

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I would probably be tempted to say he's not good for you. As a male, I think the best way to 'try' and make a man love you is to distance yourself from him. If this invokes him to realise something major is missing in his life and if he loves you enough, he will force himself to overpower his self pride and chase after you. Then you have something to work it. On the other hand, if you love him more when he does not express the same, I think men tend to have the tendency to have such a thing go to their heads, they get even more proud, start taking you for granted and most likely start treating you worse. Another trick is to play a game where you let him see you have fun relationships with one or other guys, invoking jealousy.
These of course might be good ways to try to win his love back. I don't want to write him off totally. I'm not there to see how he behaves.

On another note, it might be good to start building up your inner strength so that you do not need to rely on a man. Or rather, if you want to rely on a man, I would highly recommend Jesus. He will always love you and love to give you his spiritual love, which should fill up your soul so that you would not need to seek satisfaction elsewhere.

Feel free to ask any more questions and offer more information, according to which I can make further suggestion attempts at what might be good for you.

We will pray that you will be happy and that everything works out.

good to hear from you again.

> Yep, I got your mail, and it did help greatly. When most people offer opinions regarding relationship
problems, they usually say "he's a jerk, drop him!" or "Get over it!". I think that's a problem with today's society, and why we see so many divorces. People just don't want to work for something, or try.

True true true

> Jay did admit that part of his behavior is due to losing his father so suddenly.
Spending time apart made him realize I *do* mean something to him. Things aren't peachy yet, but he's beginning to "come around", at least sometimes, it seems.

I don't think you should let him hide behind an excuse. I think you should keep hammering him to open his heart to you so that the relationship could be equal, loving and mutually beautiful. Give him love when he needs it and demand love when you need it. Don't let up. From what you are saying, it seems to me that you are standing on firmer ground (Christ), so you will probably have to carry more than your weight of the relationship (although one can say Jesus is providing you with support, and the chain continues..).
Also, the bible says that you should not bond with non-believers. So, I think it would definitely be a good idea to try to bring him to Christ (although it makes no sense to hammer it in his brain ofcourse), otherwise you will be serving him and Christ while he will be serving you and himself and it is just not as healthy a relationship I think. That is another reason why there are so many divorces because people concentrate on serving themselves more. They enter a relationship with certain expectation and later, when their expectations are not fulfilled, they start to stop losing interest. Believers who earnestly seek God though should have a better chance because they are less motivated by their own selfishness.

> I am having him contact me if he wants to see me. I am not always available, due to work commitments.
However, I am almost afraid to leave him alone as he is feeling very depressed and I don't want him to think that *no one* cares. Complicating matters is that he has temporarily lost his license due to a drunk driving charge while on vacation in Florida. I am the only friend he has in our town (though we do have friends about 20 minutes away), so he needs me to run errands with/for him.

> I do want him to realize that (cliche') I have needs too. Unfortunately, one is intimacy.
I want to be intimate with him, and he rarely does. I think it is partially due to his fondness for alcohol. He seems to think I can just go find someone else "to do the deed", but I don't want anyone else. I was seeing another man for about a month, but he was far from being what I want. Jay seems to like to make me think that I am perverted for wanting sex. I feel very awkward every time sex/intimacy is exposed to me (TV, magazines, etc.). To the point that I well up in tears sometimes. I really need intimate contact with someone I care about, and I'm not getting it. How do I "get over" this???

You don't have to get over this. It is your need. You are you and there is nothing to be ashamed of. He has needs too and he should realise that a relationship means fulfilling each other's needs. Perhaps not one hundred percent. Perhaps your needs will not be met one hundred percent and perhaps he could never give you one hundred percent. By withdrawing from him so to speak, you make him realise all the needs you fulfil for him and you have perfect right to demand that your needs are met too (at least try try try).
As the bible says, the woman should serve the man and the man should love his wife unconditionally. This to me shows an equal relationship but in different ways, for men and women are fundamentally different.