Anyway, after much research and experimentation, I managed to find a solution to my predicament. Therefore, feel free to embark on this journey with me. As everything I do in my life, I prefer to lace it with a sense of humour (almost necessary in hard times like these). However, this could foreseeably lead to rather graphic and gruesome descriptions, so I hope you enjoy, or can stomach it..
After noticing a deeply red toilet bowl for more than a week, a pain started developing and I eventually realised I had what I thought I would never have: Hemorrhoids.
True, my Translation Agency job requires that I sit in front of the computer more than eight hours a day, most of the time of which I am sprawled out on the couch or in some other comfortable position, but I never thought this would happen to me.
< special shit position and stand up/sit down routine towards the end
Here is how I believe one gets hemorrhoids <check mispellings>: There are two solutions that I know of how to solve this problem: 1) the standard western medicine
approach: a large cone shaped device is placed carefully up your rear end, after
which you hear a quick zip sound, like the sound of one of those powerdrills for
tightening bolts on car tires, and a chunk of your inner intestines are
miraculously sliced out. 2) the old wives tale approach
(which worked for me). START SOAKING THAT CAULIFLOWER BABY! The reason this works is because it causes the flesh in the burning inferno
compression chamber to compress and become smaller, allowing the blood to flow
through it easier and hence help the healing process. I usually soak it for
about 25 minutes. I think the best time to do this is sometime shortly before
noon, by which time you should have fully released your previous day’s meal.
Otherwise, the compressed nature of your inner tubes might compress against any
remaining processed food, making matters potentially worse. In public facilities I obviously keep my shoes on but out of courtesy I lift
the toilet seat. Much more hygienic than sitting in the normal position anyway.
A comfortable enough position but even more comfortable what concerns the
effortless and smooth release. The oak bark approach seems to work the best of all approaches I've tried, although it may
take a few hours to have noticeable effect, and until the next day when it will
make a great difference. < cooling the arse < link to horrible fasting experience At night you should lie on your stomach. If after all your efforts you still
feel pain and have difficulty falling asleep, I found that assuming the ostrich
position, with my head buried in my pillow and butt in the cold air, had the most
immediate effect. Try putting an icecube there or cooling it down in some way,
such as with a cold shower on the spot, as the cold is the quickest way to
reduce the swelling, avoid the pain, and start a proper healing process. Spread
your butt cheeks to help the inner part cool down too, and I found twisting
around the waste and other similar movements helped shift the intestines inside
to help them get in a better position. If you are having constipation problems and can't get rid of your stool so
well (holding onto handlebars and squeezing until your eyes almost pop out is
not good because you are only increasing pressure in the area), you can try an
intestinal flush with sea or ocean water <link to>. Between one and three pints can do the
trick well. If you are not near the ocean, make your own but make sure to use
sea salt and not regular iodized table salt, otherwise it wont work. Bring to
taste like the ocean. That shoots right through your whole system and will
nicely clean out your guts. Try to drink within 5 minutes and then hang around
the toilet for about half an hour or more, because you might not get much
warning. You can lie on your back and move your legs a bit to help get it through your system. < friend who had swollen intestines < mention colon cancer from lingering shit in intestines
after sitting on your butt for an excessively long period (it is even worse
apparently if you sit on hard and cold surfaces, or the "piping" gets pinched on
a hard bicycle seat), the blood veins in your
intestines get constricted and damaged. When you incur any damage to your body,
your body naturally sends a lot of blood and healing juices to that area, which
results in swelling. However, ironically, this is the worst that can
happen in this case because there is no room for the swelling to expand to and
it ends up constricting the blood vessels in the
area, slowing down the healing process. I once took a first aid course and the
standard procedure to deal with such cases is to put an icepack on the wound –
to reduce the swelling. One might say rather difficult in this scenario, but out
of sheer pain I have thought of putting icecubes up my butt (refer below).
Therefore, the damaged area results in a sweltering
furnace of pain. Because it is difficult to reduce the swelling in such an
awkward and confined space, the healing process for this type of damage can be
rather lengthy. < anti-inflammatory
There is apparently an inner and an outer type of hemorrhoids. It seemed to me
that the swelling led the inner sleeve of the intestine to eventually slip out a
bit, sort of hanging out a little and what a friend of mine referred to as “his
little cauliflower”.
Make sure you have a full bag of amphetamines on your way home from the doctor.
Go to a pharmacy, or maybe a forest, and get a bunch of
oak bark. Cut them into small
shavings. Bring to boil about one litre of water per 50 g of shavings. Let your
concoction boil for about 3 minutes, then seep for about 30. When your
concoction is not so hot anymore, pour it into some plastic or other basin and
let cool down until you can bear it (supposed to be applied lukewarm) and
To aid in the excrement releasing process, you should eat foods which, when
“processed”, remain nice and soft to avoid any sort of constipation or strained
release efforts. I was recommended long grain, natural and unpealed rice with
lightly cooked vegetables. I also generally like to drink a lot of juice – my
favourite being pineapple juice with fibre in it. Fibre in general is good to
attain soft stool. Or just eat a lot of green salad (I like to lace mine with a
lot of sesame or flax seeds).
Now that you have attained the soft stool you are seeking, you can further
alleviate the discharge process by your position while doing it.
How they used to crap in days of
ancient, with suitable attire to be discrete.
Yes, for
millions of years mankind has squatted while relieving themselves, but somehow
over the past century or something we have invented another means which would
cater to our senses of elevated royalty and superiority to what may seem
barbaric and base. This
site
explains it well, and the health benefits of squatting. At home I
like to balance with my bare feet on the toilet seat, my
arms or underarms resting on my knees, as shown through the previous link.
You can combine this with various creams if you like. Save a trip to the doctor and
just go to a good pharmacy and tell them your problem. I'm sure they will
prescribe the same thing your doctor will. And you can include some good
anti-inflammatory
with that, which you should take in the morning and evening after a hearty meal,
to avoid a stomach ulcer. Wheat germ oil (helps with digestion - consume) is supposed to help, but I haven't
tried that. I also found oak bark oil with chamomile (apply to area - external
use), which seemed to help but not as well.
This all is the quickest fix. You want to do something like this as soon as
possible, because if you let the swelling stay there too long, you could create
an extra permanent piece of flesh which will only hassle you for the years to
come. I've held out for 5 years and decided I've had enough, so will finally go
for option 1 above (nope, managed to lick it - meaning I successfully solved the
problem the natural way and stated in American slang, not the other meaning). It took me a while to find some natural means, so perhaps I
let the inflammation stay too long and now it is too late.
If you have developed a permanent internal inflammation and you find you are now
having problems releasing your stool (it doesn't come out so easy, and is
followed by an extended trickle of see-through liquid - your body's solution to
continued swelling), it is better to remove it, because it is more important you
properly release any waste from your body. Your body constantly processes toxins
and gets rid of them in various ways, but if your intestines are clogged in some
way, the toxins will seep back into your bloodstream and you are only damaging
yourself. Avoiding a lot of pork and beef is advisable for this, as pork tends
to line your intestinal walls and beef blocks it. Your body is like a machine,
and you want to help it remove stuff that doesn't belong there.
Keep your piping clean!
