If a man speaks in the forest, and his wife his not there to hear him, Is he still wrong?

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. He said this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed. Adam asked God what would a woman like this cost him? God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said "What can I get for a just a rib"? The rest is history.

One day, Ken complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that!!!" There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00

Ken figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small piece of paper on which was printed

You have tennis elbow
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid Heavy labor.
It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. he decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water , a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off he masturbated into the concoction. he went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited $10.00 . The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms.
Give him vitamins.

Your daughter's using cocaine.
Put her in a rehab.

Your wife's pregnant-two girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off,
your tennis elbow will never get any better .

I Am a Tip-Top Starlet

by Gary Trudeau

When the huge Evita production company blew into Budapest last month to rent its ancient architechture, Madonna, the film's star, was too busy staying in character to meet with the local press. Finally, on the eve of her departure, good manners prevailed, and the pop diva submitted to an interview with the Budapest newspaper Blikk. The questions were posed in Hungarian, then translated into English for Madonna, whose replies were then translated back into Hungarian for the paper's exclusive. Shortly thereafter, at the request of USA Today, Madonna's comments were then retranslated from Hungarian back into English for the benefit of that paper's readers. To say that something was lost in the process is to be wildly ungrateful for what was gained. "I am a woman and not a test-mouse" reads a typical quote. USA Today, presumably pressed for space, published only a few of these gems, leaving the rest to the imagination. Whence has sprung the following complete transcript:

Blikk: Madonna, Buadapest says hello with arms that are spread-eagled. Did you have a visit here that was agreeable? Are you in good odor? You are the biggest fan of our young people who hear your musical productions and like to move their bodies in response.

Madonna: Thank you for saying these compliments [holds up hands] Please stop with taking sensationalist photographs until I have removed my garments for all to see [laughs} This is a joke I have made.

Blikk: Madonna, lets cut toward the hunt. Are you a bold hussy-woman that feasts upon men who are tops?

Madonna:Yes, yes, this is certainly something that brings to the surface my longings. Im America it is not considered mentally ill when a woman advances upon her prey in a discotheque setting with hardy cocktails present. And there is a more normal attitude toward leather play-toys that also makes my day.

Blikk: Is this how you met Carlos, your love-servant who is reputed? Did you know he was heaven sent right off the stick? Or were you dating many other people in your bed at the same time?

Madonna: No, he was the only one I was dating in my bed then, so it is a scientific fact that the baby was made in my womb using him. But as regards to these questions, enough! I am a woman and not a test-mouse! Carlos is an everyday person who is in the orbit of a star who is being muscle-trained by him, not a sex machine.

Blikk: May we talk about your other "baby" your movie then? Please do not be denying that the similarities between you and the real Evita are grounded in basis. Power, money, tasty food, Grammys--all of these elements are afoot.

Madonna: What is up in the air with you? Evita was never winning a Grammy!

Blikk: Perhaps not. But as to your film, in trying to bring your reputation along the rocky road, can you make people forget the bad explosions of Who's That Girl and Shanghai Surprise?

Madonna: I am a tip-top starlet. That is my job that I am paid to do.

Blikk: O.K., here's a question from left space. What was your book Slut about?

Madonna: It was called Sex, my book.

Blikk: Not in Hungary, here it was called Slut. How did it come to publish? Were you lovemaking with a man-about-town printer? Do you prefer making suggestive literature to fast-selling CDs?

Madonna: These are different facets to my career highway. I am preferring only to become respected all over the map as a 100% artist.

Blikk: There is so much interest in your from this geographic region, so I must ask this final question: how many Hungarian men have you dated in bed? Are they number 1? How are they comparing to Argentine men who are famous for being tip-top as well?

Madonna: Well to avoid aggavating global tension, I would say it's a tie [laughs]. No no, I am serious now. See here, I am working like a canine all the way around the clock! I have been too busy to even try the goulash that makes your county one for the record books.

Blikk: Thank you for your candid chit-chat.

Madonna: No problem, friend who is a girl

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys :
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single are you?"
The woman replies very sarcastically, "How did you guess?"
He replies, "Because you're fucking ugly."

Drinkers' Wisdom

The wisdom of those who drink...

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Dean Martin

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
Catherine Zandonella

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truely gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
Ross Levy

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
Anonymous

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
O'Rourke

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
Jack Handy

I drink to make other people interesting.
George Jean Nathan