| Hi Karel,thank you for writing me back  I enjoyed reading on your website and how you feel spiritually. It’s hard to know where to start because I don’t know if I should go back into the past or not but since I don’t know you personally,and could never tell someone face to face or over the phone I’ll just go with it. I’ve told a few friends my story and they just seem to shake their heads. My closest friend is also depressed. She grew up with dysfunction but nothing like mine. She said she doesn’t know how I got by this far without doing heavy drugs. Well I smoke ciggarettes and when I quit once it felt great but when the pain hit it hit hard. Sometimes the past comes back to haunt me and I’d like to live a chemical free life but I feel a build up and don’t really know how to let it go. People tell me to let go and let God but I don’t know what to say or who to talk to about this. The worse happened when I was young and I know it has to do with why I fail at relationships. My Father was locked up far away and my Mother was an angry Christian woman,cursing men and then cursing God. When my brother was young Dad was still here and he asked my brother if he said he didn’t believe in God he would buy him a bicycle. So he kept giving my brother things and turned him into an atheist. My brother struggles to get spiritual to this day. He’s 36 now. Mom took her anger out on my brother and my brother tortured me for it. I wanted his attention so bad and needed that male role model but he hated me because Mom loved me more. I was the good child so it was easier to love me but being good came with an expense. I was always bored and empty and depressed. Mom took me to Church and at one point I got realy close to God,so close that I spoke in tongues with the rest of the adults. I was only 8 years old. At ten years of age my Cousin took me out of Church and begged me to have sex with him. He told me he loved me and that I was pretty and all that but the idea of sex made me sick. I was too young to enjoy it. After some time he told me he wouldn’t hang around with me and I had No one in my life so I said yes. He took me in the basement. His parents went to church but they didn’t watch us,they never checked up on us. And Mom left me there because she had to work. I remember the smell,the pain and the places I’d go to in my mind and the feeling of worthlessness it left in me afterward. Two years later he found a girlfriend and it broke my heart. I was terribly confused and didn’t understand how I could be broken hearted over something that made me so sick inside. Just confused. Then my brother started warming up to me and tried to give me the keys to life,all the good advice and then he moved away. Mom got worse and I had panic attacks in school because I asked this kid to have sex with me so that I could feel like I had sex with someone normal and I told my best friend and she turned her back on me and told everyone I said I was raped. THe kids in school threatened to kill me. These crazy stories continued and I wound up dropping out of school after being hated and feeling so cursed but the real world just got more tough,I kept having boyfriends but I couldn’t open up my heart to them I just got angry and didn’t understand how the other couple’s I saw could have such happy,devoted relationships. Then at 22 I met my true love and he did love me very much. I told him what happened with my Cousin and he felt it was tragic and that I should confront my Cousin about it and my family. So I confronted my Cousin and he is a drunk and very selfish and siad he sitll wanted to marry me. I felt like I was in hell. THen I told my family and they were shocked and gave excuses like these things happen it’s no one’s fault. So the whole family knew and I finally told my Brother and he tried helping me,but even with that validation from my true love and my brother I could not open up to my true love. I still am very numb and when I still try to get into relationships I wind up falling right back out of them again. I pushed my true love away to the point where he found someone else years later and left me. My behavior got worse,I went out and drank and kept trying on relationships then got to the point where I said to heck with it,I just had lovers. 6 months ago I decided I was being used and using others and it made me feel ashamed for the first time so I stopped having sex altogether. I feel like the devil had a hold on me and he still does because I get guys who drive by my house,send me perverted messages and want to get with me and I am a changed person. Still,inside I feel the hold. I went to church a while back and everything was great for a few weeks. The people in church told me I am special and that I will wind up helping many people find God. They wanted me to play guitar in church and I started to make real friends who really cared. THe people in church do lots of fundraising and help people in 3rd world countries,even brought them back here to America where they could be free. My church experience didn’t last long when one night they had us drink and eat the flesh and blood of Christ. I drank the wine and started to eat and this huge ball of pain just rose up in my throat. All the ministers were up in the front together praying. One of the pastors was staring dead at me. He saw something in me. I felt like I was possessed. I started crying profusely,having a panic attack. Every ounce of fluid in my body just came up through my head and out I was shaking and felt the urge to vomit. And actually sat through it but I knew I didn’t belong there. Deep inside I think the devil has a hold on me. Every time I try to reach out and have a pure life,something always gets me. It feels like the boogey man and I don’feel like I did anything to deserve this when I was young but I know that my behavior as an adult is extremely punishable and I am living in hell for it. Thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope it wasn’t too heavy for you. I’d like to know what you think,if there is anything I can do to be redeemed or if you think I am possessed. An old friend told me once that he felt I was possessed by the demon of lust. If this is possible,how would I go about casting out that demon? What would you recommend as a next step from celibacy to get closer to God? And if this is at all possible,would I be able to get rid of the anger and numbness toward men and be able to feel love even though I could never feel it before? Hi Jenny,wow,yah,that’s pretty heavy indeed. I’d say you could indeed be possessed and hope you find a church of good people who could help you. Perhaps the one you mentioned. They can all pray to throw the devil out of you and it depends on their faith,or yours (you can also try this yourself). If they throw him out its supposed to be good that they “lay their hands”on you afterwards. As if Christ would pass through them into your body and set up shop and a fortress so the devil can’t come back. As mentioned in the bible. You or someone says “In the name of Jesus Christ,I command all evil spirits to leave her/my body.”Apparently Satan can strangle your throat and prevent you from uttering these words. Once he’s removed you need to fill (you can invite them yourself) your vacuum shell with Jesus / the Holy Spirit,to prevent the devil coming back stronger (bible mentions it can be easily ten times stronger and he brings back with him a legion of demons). He obviously doesn’t want to let you go. Once you are filled with the Holy Spirit try your hardest to remain holy as long as you can,or forever,by not sinning and pushing out the good,holy spirit(s). Abstain from any sex,alcohol,cigarettes or other pollution of God’s temple (your body). If you try as long as possible it will take a greater hold of your life and more firmly plant itself within you. If in the future you are like a “dog always returns to its vomit”and reintroduce pollution and sin back into your temple,at least you will have a stronger footing and not feel a great need to sink back to the bottom of the sewer. You should feel better and stronger about yourself,so fight the good fight sister,ban that naughty fellow from your body and fill your soul with the light of love. Good luck,Karel Thank you for giving your everything in replying to my terrifying letter. I never told anyone my whole story. May God bless you a thousand times over! I read up on different Church denominations to see which ones will pray over me like that and if anything happens they won’t flip out? And if that particular denomination enjoys praising,singing and real spirit filled worship because I am very expressive. What kind of church do youlike to attend and why? I read that Charismatic churches deal with demons? Ever since you wrote me that letter I feel much better inside,armed and ready for the break through. Thank you again!! Hi Jenny, yah,that’s why I started this service,because I figure most people can reveal deep things about themselves to an anonymous stranger on the internet than their best friends or a shrink in person. You don’t risk losing your friends,who you fear might think you are a total freak and feel uncomfortable around you in the future,perhaps gossip and eventually distance themselves;and then you might spend a lot of money developing a trust with the shrink. Anyway,I was first “turned on”to Christianity at a charismatic church. Before that I was like an atheistic ice-cube,but it honestly moved my heart. It was a good congregation with lots of good,spiritual energy. It melted my cold heart and it was undeniable. But I’ve always been more receptive to that,because that is the way God created me. To draw me to him. Not everyone has this I believe. So yes,I’d say charismatic churches would tend to more likely help with this. You don’t need a stamp from theVaticanto exorcise a demon. You need enough faith. There is a story in the bible of some believers who were going around doing that,until they met a group of demons who said,“We know who Jesus is,but who the hell are you?”,and proceeded to beat the living crap out of them. So it’s not something to be toyed with,but if the church has its heart in the right place,and is not there just to put up a show (which many can),their faith should be enough. Worst case scenario their faith will not be strong enough,or they are weak,and their faith will be seriously challenged. But people often need to be woken up from their slumber and challenged,so I would suggest you go ahead and try it yourself and/or pursue outside help like that. In any case,it should only turn out good,because you will hopefully find yourself within a good support group that will encourage you and help you. Karel Hi you see i am in a real pickle A boy came up to me at my locker today and said did the principal talk to you ket i told her that you were kicking me.I was but its only because he dumped his girlfreind rudely then got her in trouble and when she cried he said well thats a happy face i am in 6th grade help what should i tell her if i do get called down oh help please Hi Gabby, I’d say you should tell the principle the honest truth. You said “her”,so she should sympathise with the female cause more. Sounds like that boy is playing games and you have reacted as a female should/could. But I’m sure the principle will tell you that violence is not the solution. There are other and better ways to “get him back”. At that point,if the principle will scold you,just look down solemnly and apologetically. The principle,if a female,will certainly sympathise with you. Once you agree that violence is not the answer,perhaps you could ask her for some tips how to get him back in a just a rightful way. Karel I am 26 years old and my husband 29 years old. one year back we got married. I am going to office at 8 o\’clock in the morning and my husband 9 o\’clock in the morning. between 8 to 9 a.m mine husband use to watch girls naked photos and videos by internet. its going on daily. is it common or shall i leave him? or should i do anything else? he is very close with me and he likes me also. for this reason i am feeling very sad and sometimes i think i\’l leave him and i\’l stay alone. please give good suggession Hello Shalini, personally I would not do something as drastic as leave him. A marriage is a partnership between two people and will always require some work,compromise and fine tuning to make it happen. You may have seemed perfect for each other in the beginning,but over time you will discover faults and you will need to work those out – either learn to live with them or try to change them. For this the best approach is to sit down with your husband and talk with him. Tell him you have a problem with this behaviour and that you are considering leaving him. If he does it in your presence I consider that a lack of respect,and immature in general. It is better than actually sleeping with another woman,but just looking like that can nurture temptation and lead to the same,so you must be watchful. Karel I need some serious help. I want to have and exciting life and i want to do good things and change the world. But I just feel stuck. I biggest problem is that I am addicted to pornography and I am only fourteen. Nobody knows about my problems not even my parents. I know it\’s wrong but I can\’t stop. I hate myself so much and I already don\’t know how I could live with my past when I grow up. I am so lonely and just tired of fighting. I\’ve tried everything,but now I feel like just giving up. It hurts so much because my life is just made of secrecy and crushed hopes. I don\’t know how I could grow up to be something great and change the world like this. I just want to be free from this stage of loneliness and pain. Please help me I\’ve tried everything and I just hate myself and have suicidal thoughts. I don\’t feel like life is worth living anymore. We are all tempted by something and none of us are perfect,but if you are hard on yourself with negative energy I think you will only make matters worse. Rather than try to tell yourself “Do not look at porno”you should think positively,like “I want to find something positive and constructive to spend my time on”. If you focus on the negative it will only circulate and grow in your mind. Try to glean yourself slowly of your bad habits,although some people prefer to go cold turkey. If you want to do good in the world,follow your heart and seek out something you could do or would enjoy,and slowly shift towards that. If you like what you are doing you will feel better about yourself,and if you feel good about it you can spend an increasing amount of time doing it,to the point you will not have enough time to spend on your bad habits. In that case you will have less reason to feel bad about yourself and feel better overall. Keep focusing on the positive,light and love,and let the light overcome the darkness. It is like turning on a light switch in a dark room. The dark stands no chance. But if you do not light the candle,only darkness remains,and you stare into the darkness and get dark thoughts. Don’t focus on the darkness at all but light your candle and focus on that. Everything will change after that,on its own. Hope this helps, Karel This is a little song i wrote on how i am feeling right noe w just cried writing this i am sorry for my mistakes hey i am only 12 Gotta be the perfect student gotta get the perfect grades Gotta be the mild duaghter who never once gets her say
Gotta deal with the populars cause i know i dont fit in
Ahhhhh
Get the glares from all types of people some think im other drenged so much pressureeeeeeee i cant take it anymore……. When can i be what i want thats i wanta be,wanta do what i want not what you would please i not a robot i dont need to be told what to do One more lecture and ill snap…. dont push me over the limit cause i am on the verge of throwing shomething big showing all who i really am and hope just hope they like it better War going in my head god take me now cause i dont know how ill survibe anthor day Im silly on the iside but supisticated too funny like my uncles but nothing like you you so dont try to mold me that what arist do otherwise i will go crazy and that will break you How you feel if i were no-one to boss around and empty house with no place to clean and youll never me scream and yell you’d lose your mind you’d have nothing to do so stop i am talking to you so stop teling me what to dooooooooooo Hi Alice, I assume you are writing to my counseling website. I’d say you are experiencing a typical and common problem. I call it possessive love. Parents can deeply love their children,but by being protective they can also become control freaks,justifying their actions based on their love for you. It is a common mistake,and it is not easy to be a good parent. One who provides nurturing love to their children and helps them grow to whatever they want to be. In their judgment they are doing the best for you. Unfortunately,they are the ones who go to work and pay for the roof over your head,so you are sort of in their little jail and have to take what is handed to you. I would suggest you try to disassociate yourself from your environment and not take it so personally. Just play along,play the game,but let yourself grow inside as you want. If your parents catch you growing in another direction,I am sure they might be furious,because that is a standard response by people who like to control others. They will feel fully justified on the argument that they are doing this because they love you and want the best for you,but I feel that people are like plants and the best you can do for a plant is to give it love,sun,water and nurturing. Perhaps prune it once in a while (careful and targeted discipline),or change its soil (healthy food). Not to cut and bend the plant to make it look like a different species. We are all different and should be allowed to grow as is natural for us. I am sure my mother would prefer I was a doctor so that she could brag about it to her friends,but that simply was not going to happen. Fortunately for me,I am very strong willed and neither of my parents could control me in any way. Eventually,on my own suggestion,they sent me to a boarding school,because my rebellion and their poor parenting was making the house impossible to live in for all of us. Since you are so young and more naturally complying because you are a female,this might not be an option for you. Try to be wise,grow up faster,and see your parents as the fallible creatures they are. Understand their faults and the reasons why they are doing what they are doing. If possible try to reason with them and explain to them you will grow up as you want to grow up. It is your life,not theirs. Better to try and keep it a secret and explain it to them in a calm manner when you are older and wiser. Just play along and let yourself grow internally as you want. Because conforming is very much against my grain I was sort of an outcast when I was younger,but I always found good friends which I could relate to and grew strong with them. Most people in society are weak conformists,and because they conformed they want everyone else to as well. Such people become xenophobic racists as a result. It is a sad state of humanity and you should take comfort in the fact that you are who you are,that you are in touch with your feelings,and that you are in tune with your convictions. Keep holding onto that flame inside you and you will grow into a much stronger person,than all the sheeple. Karel hi dont know what to do and iam scared five yrs ago i was using speed really heavy mum split up with her husband and so what he did to get back at her was getting his brother to sell me some speed with his hep c blood in it what a piece of junk he is hey special when i never shared needle s and i was so clean i only not long found out ive got it cos his girlfriend told me they set me up but i did notice somethin strange that day speed keeps u awake i went home a hour later and slept for 24hrs iam hurting so bad cos i didnt know and the worst thing bout it name my kids and girlfriend has it well iam pretty sure iam to scared to say another thing i cant live known ive giving them a death sentence my youngest is three so i dont see any way out but to take his life and then my own iam so scared i just want to get them checkx out but i just cant girlfriend doesnt know i have it and if my family knew i had it they would disown me,i dont have any other answer to it other than he sho uld die for that for sure cos there is no cure regards greg That is absolutely horrible Greg,but we all have a limited time on this earth and I would recommend that you spend your last years with your family,loving them. Perhaps research online for natural ways to strengthen your immunity. I would not trust the pharmaceutical or medical industry. And pray with all earnestness if Jesus can cure you of your sickness,but to kill yourself and members of your family is a cardinal sin,and doesn’t really make sense. What is it achieving? I’ve heard that some people survive aids,or live for years. Enjoy each day,love your family and praise God. Karel I see. Yah,at first you seemed to say that you wanted to take the life of your son and yourself. I too don’t really care so much when I die and hope that I can ascend to something better than this world. Would be good if you could prove that he did that and put him in jail. Killing him is a temptation but will hurt your own soul and not really change anything. It is a horrible situation you are in and I will pray that God can heal you from this grave injustice. Karel my quality of life is pretty crap living with the disease not urs sorry i should of explained my self better and i would never take my kids lives the only person life i would take is the person that give this to me and my family thank u very much wish u well i dont even know who i am anymore u know iam not worried about me dieing at a young age its my kids and girlfriend that worrie me the most Hey Greg, maybe a slight shred of silver lining. Not long ago I met someone who is on a rampage and healing people all over the world with cancer. Concerning aids,he says: Rick Simpson also commented on Jind?ich Bayer’s link. Rick wrote:“HIV is a virus and hemp oil works on all viruses known to man. It may cure it,but it will certainly control it much better than any pharmaceutical drug. JB” Someone else said: Leslie wrote:“my understanding is does but I am hardly an expert on this so I would recommend http://www.facebook.com/l/aAQHB4Y7F/www.AIDS.org they have done several studies on this. We know that it is associated with AIDS largely because of its effectiveness at appetite stimulation,and this is very desirable for patients suffering from AIDS wasting syndrome.”More details at: http://001yourtranslationservice.com/me/Health/natural-cancer-cure-remedy-treatment.html Hope it helps,Karel
Hello, Hope you are well. I am hoping you receive this email somehow. I recently started dating a guy called Joseph. I really like him and we are both genuine Christians. However,I was dishonest to him. I asked to cook for him but wanting to impress him so much I decided to go to a restaurant to get the food. That was deceitful. I’m close to a guy called Chris and I was visiting him behind Joseph’s back. Chris and I actually went to the restaurant together to get the food. There is actually nothing going on between us though but I have now realised I cannot be close to him or any other guy if I want to court. I think somehow Joseph (The guy I was dating) went through my phone and saw all the messages between Chris and I and he was hurt and heart broken  He has forgiven me but won’t take me back due to trust issues we might face. I have asked God for forgiveness and I’m trying to forgive myself but the event keeps playing over and over in my head. Just wondering what he might be going through. He didn’t deserved to me lied to. I made a mistake. A costly one I was bullied in the past and this has really affected me. I keep losing friends due to my trying to impress people by being dishonest. I know deep down I have a good heart and I never mean to hurt anyone. Please give me some advice. Should I just let him go and pray he come back? Thank you in advance for your prayers. Marie-Ann Hi Marie-Ann, I would keep trying. It’s a small deceit,and I think you can explain to him why you do things like that and that you realize it is a weakness. If he loves you he should be able to forgive a small thing like this. And you can use the incident to help motivate you to be more honest,because you can see it catches up to you and causes bigger problems. We all have some weakness,and Joseph will always find problems with anyone he starts a relationship with. Even the bible warns us of this. So both of you will need to work on compromise and bonding your relationship. If he just runs away with the first little problem,he’s going to suffer the same with his relationships in the future. Explain this to him,as gently as you can. A relationship will always require work and will always have problems which will need to be worked out,preferably in a mature manner. I really don’t think that what you did was so catastrophic. Maybe time and love will fully heal his heart. You can pray too,and pray to God to help you with your honesty. You need to focus on yourself as well. Living in regret doesn’t solve anything. Use the regret to make real change. Karel Thank you Karel. This has really made me feel better. I feel encouraged. I don’t think he ever wants to have anything to do with me again. Well relationship wise. But if he does bring it up sometime I will mention this. Or maybe I’ll give it a go later. Like you mentioned,I need to focus on myself as well. I spoke to my pastor today and he gave me great advice. I need to Pray more,study the Word more and grow in Faith. All I can do is pray for improvement. I mean if I hadn’t asked you guys or my pastor for advice it’d mean I didn’t care right? But I want to learn from this and change. Yah,this could be a tricky area. As an ambitious business-like person I always like to give everything my best shot,but have found that this can turn off some people. Then again,if you don’t give it your best shot,you might spend the rest of your life dwelling over “what if?”. I think he is wrong and potentially immature and prideful. Perhaps you could do something like invite him out for dinner so that you could plea your case,explain to him that you will respect his final decision and that you will not bother him again,and carefully prepare all your arguments ahead of time. After all,I think most people would be flattered by the effort,and they get a nice meal out of it too. No great damage done. Hoping you are still here to speak to. We managed to sort things out but things haven’t been exactly rosy. We recently had an arguement about Christians and illness. We had completely opposite views and he ended up saying “Honestly,I’m glad I know these are your views now”I asked him to explain and he said he wouldn’t want to raise his kids with the same views as mine. I asked if that meant he was breaking up and he said if I wanted to think that then okay kind of thing. There were things I started to notice about him. He rose his voice,sometimes acted cold towards me. I was chatting with him today and he was giving me one word answers like “okay”“thanks”“nothing”etc. It didn’t feel nice. I kept asking what was wrong and he kept saying there was nothing and he had nothing to say to me. What could be wrong Karel? I feel like I am being left in the dark. I mean are we in a relationship or not? I mean no one deserves to be treated like this. Is it time to run? I told him “I will always love you”and I don’t intend on starting a conversation with him because that silent treatment kills me. What do you reckon Karel? I know you can only suggest and not help me make a decision. What would you do if it was you? Hi Marie Ann, it seems your fellow is way too immature with which to start a permanent relationship and you should confront him with something like:“Listen,I did not do anything to you so traumatic that it is unforgiveable and I deserve this treatment from you. I still love you but it looks like you need some time to think things over. We can see each other and be friends when you are in the mood. Otherwise,if we do ever decide to stay together,how we raise our children and other matters is definitely important enough to have an honest discussion with one another and not just shove it under the carpet and remain disgruntled under your breath.” He seems like one of those guys who will hold a grudge forever as a means to get you more under his control;keep you feeling guilty so that everything can be his way. This is immature and to enter a deep and long term relationship with someone like that can lead to a lot of anguish and pain. You should definitely think things over carefully before committing yourself to him forever. Karel You’re absolutely right Karel. I mean a part of me just wants wants to leave it and just move on. My sisters have recommended keeping my distance. One even said similar things you have. I am a very emotional person and I would not want to be hurt all the time. However I do like the idea of confronting him. Not harshly obviously. So I might just send an email. I don’t care if he replies or not but it’d be nice to give him something to think about. Then again I might not tell him anything and painfully move on and never speak to him again. He is so arrogant that he would probably just laugh at the email or get mad. What do you suggest Karel? My head is telling me to move on but my heart wants me to send an email and then move on whether he replies or not. If you don’t feel comfortable about confronting him then I would suggest the second option. Good way to get things off your chest. Point out to him his arrogance,if you think it will help him or the situation. He needs to grow up. If you still want to get back together then write the sweetest email,but remain true to yourself. If he ignores you it is his loss and he might realize it once he grows up enough. From a male’s perspective,I know we can take things for granted but a little time apart often does make our hearts fonder,so perhaps it will work. Karel Thanks Karel,it’s always nice to have someone to speak to. After some thinking I have decided to let it go and move on. I think some things are better left unsaid. I mean telling him might just make things worse. I indirectly told him he was arrogant. I asked him what arrogance meant and how people act when they are. I even asked how to tell someone they were arrogant and strong headed. Maybe it’s the guilty conscience eating him up. He has my details. Maybe if he really cares he’d call. If he doesn’t then good luck to him. It will be hard to move on but it’s possible. He’ll grow up somehow. It really is a shame because as a Christian I don’t think messing about with relationships is ideal. Maybe it’s the Lord’s will. I’d have to say on the contrary. I think it’s 1 Corinthians 7 where Paul warns it is better for us to be by ourselves so that we can dedicate more of our attention to God,but because humans are lusty creatures God has offered a concession,since “it is better to marry than to burn with passion”. But people burn with passion and cannot wait to get married,so they rush into it,and once the original lust/in-love has worn off,lots of problems develop. So take your time,when you are single use the opportunity to focus more on God,and develop yourself etc. One thing I’ve learned recently with Buddhist meditation is that the mind creates all sorts of wants and cravings in response to the body. One can be firmly convinced they really need this or that to be happy,but it simply is not true. The path to bliss and true austerity is not an easy one,but the more you understand how your mind works and its interaction with the body,the more you are able to control your life. Karel You make an excellent point about the mind. Do you have any tips that could help? Also I know you have told me a bit about what you thought about the situation,but can you please give me a general overview from the first ever email I sent to the most recent ones. It would really be helpful to know your opinions about the whole thing. About the mind,it is a new concept for me and you might find some suitable reading through http://www.suanmokkh.org/basics.htm This is the place where I went on a ten day meditation retreat,the most famous in Thailand,and studies in details what Buddha discovered long ago. I was happy to learn that it complimented Christianity nicely and I am presently reading a book Christianity and Buddhism, which shows many parallels between the two. In short,once you slow down your mind enough and let go of that constant clutter,your mind is able to observe itself and you start to see the chain of want leading to craving leading to attachment etc. and the foundation of our very suffering as humans. That is why Christ preached an austere and simple life. It is the constant temptations around us which confuse us and lead to our suffering. Through meditation you can find the bliss in simplicity,but it is not easy. Neither is it to walk the Way,“for broad is the path to destruction and narrow are the pearly gates”. Everything is connected that way. What concerns your relationship,the want and craving have led to attachment and you feel a need to maintain it in order to be happy. People give themselves some goal which they believe will lead them to happiness,but often its like a stick and a carrot they attach to their heads and they spend their lives chasing it,never really reaching this happiness. Or once they get married,have their big house,car in the driveway and everything they thought would make them happy,they stop and realize they are as they were when they started. So instead of constantly dwelling on how to salvage this relationship,assuming it is key to your happiness,you should find the true source of happiness,which is inside you,or through Christ. If you happen to find someone who is mature and you enjoy each others’company,consider that a bonus,but not something that is mandatory for your happiness. From what you’ve told me this fellow seems too immature and you will open yourself up to a lifetime of agony serving him. Get what you need off your chest and tell him what you want,but wipe your hands of the matter. If he grows up and comes back to you,then you can talk business,but don’t centre it as the core of your future happiness. Karel Ok. Well I’ve never really told anyone my whole story or anything so I don’t exactly know what to say or where to start. Around my sixth grade year I started feeling really down all the time and was just really struggling emotionally,although I never really noticed it as anything other than normal until my freshman year in health class when we were talking about depression and I was answering yes to quite a few of the questions. After that I became aware of some of the emotions I was struggling with on the inside for all those years but never paid any attention to. The first time I ever cut myself was once in 6th grade,but not again until I was in high school. After I cut again in high school,it quickly became a habit. At some points I was self-harming multiple times every day. I couldn’t get out of this cycle of having some emotion I didn’t know how to deal with,hurting myself,feeling guilty afterwards and asking God for forgiveness still hating myself for it,and then turning around and doing it again. My best friend at the time noticed something different about me and eventually saw some of my scars and asked about them and I told her I hadn’t been feeling good for awhile now and was hurting myself because I didn’t know what to do. We tried to deal with it alone for a long while. It got to the point where things were so dark in my life,I would do just about anything to get even 15 minutes of not having to feel the way I was or think about my problems. I didn’t see it,but my friend was also getting burnt out and just wanted minutes of relief wherever we could find it,and for awhile,we were finding it in sexual activity that went way beyond any friendship ever should. It eventually became too much for her (still telling me she was ok and wanted to help me) and she fell into depression and began cutting as well. She didn’t tell me for awhile,but the minute she did I immediately felt that it was my fault and I never wanted to talk to anyone again about my problems.To this day I still feel as if her depression and decisions to self injur are were my fault. She eventually decided that my problems were too much for her to handle so she told my mom,who was mad and disappointed in me. I was forced to talk to a counselor once a week and was also put on medication. At that time,I didn’t think I needed help and wasn’t ready to use the counseling to help. I often lied during the sessions or just didn’t tell my counselor everything. I felt like even more of a freak having to go to counseling and take medication. I eventually got out of the counseling and am no longer on medication. For awhile I thought things were getting better,I went almost a year without hurting myself,but then slipped right back into it even worse than before,but I was too scared to talk to anyone about it. Today I do not struggle with hurting myself like I did then. I do cut every now and then when I just can’t seem to get control of myself or feel like there’s no hope so there’s no reason I shouldn’t,but I know I am not addicted to it anymore and if given a good reason of hope,could stop. The biggest thing I am struggling with is getting over all of this. I hate myself and I feel like a horrible person. I know that one of the biggest keys to getting over this is being open about it;telling someone your whole story. You can’t be set free when you live in shame,hiding things from everyone. And that’s where I lose hope. I have a really hard time talking to people in general,but especially when it comes to my problems and the mistakes I made. I told myself that because I can’t talk and be open with people,I wasn’t ever going to get over this and that is why I continue to hurt myself. I feel like there’s no reason for me to stop if I am never going to get over this. I have also really been struggling at getting angry with myself. Sometimes I cut because I am mad at myself and I feel like I should be punished. I get really frustrated with myself when I think about why I cut or why I feel the way I do. Most of the time I don’t really know what I’m feeling and can’t sort out my many emotions,but I often think I shouldn’t be feeling the way I do. I shouldn’t be depressed,especially because I am a christian. I have read alot of stories about other people who have self injured and alot of times it is because they have gone through something traumatic,such as rape,abuse,divorce,etx. But I never have and so I get really angry at myself for doing the things I have. I feel like I have had a really good life and family and so there’s no reason that I should have ever hurt myself and so I feel really stupid. Sometimes I hurt myself because I’m so angry at myself for hurting myself in the first place. I know it sounds stupid but I just get so frustrated because I can’t figure out why I am depressed or feel the way I do,even if I don’t know what that feeling is. Right now I am just really confused about a lot of things. Sometimes I want more than anything in the world to just talk to someone about all of this,but at the same time I’m too ashamed to tell anyone and I have never really had a close enough friend to talk to stay in my life long enough for me to trust them and be comfortable enough to tell them my story,so I usually just withdraw from everybody and sit in guilt and hatred of myself wondering if things will ever be different. I want to be completely free from my past but I feel like I first need to know why all of these things came up and why these things happend and even then I don’t know if I could take the steps necessary to get past all of this. wow,I have to admit that this is interesting. I would need to know more to help you,but here is my first guess based on what you wrote. Did someone important to you,let’s say in your early childhood,say something that made you feel bad about yourself that you feel you need to punish yourself? Perhaps some hypnosis therapy could help you uncover this if you are afraid to look deep inside yourself for the problem. Otherwise,if you cannot afford that then perhaps meditation and self reflection could help you find out why you feel you need to do this. We can talk about this together if you like and just talking about it may help you pull away the peels of the onion. It seems like you feel bad that something is your fault and you feel a need to punish yourself to make up for it. If you did do something wrong,Jesus says that “forgiveness heals”. You can focus on forgiving yourself and move forward. If someone you deeply love blamed you of something,you can apply the same forgiveness. Forgive them by understanding why they might have said that,and forgive yourself,and start focusing your thoughts towards a more positive direction rather than to be stuck in a negative loop which will only reinforce itself over time. If you do not understand why you are blaming yourself of something,it will be harder to break away from this loop,because your unconscious mind will keep blaming you. But your unconscious mind can be reprogrammed,and you can take control of your life and actions. You just need to get to the root of the situation. Perhaps try meditating a little every morning and speak to your unconscious self to find out what the problem is. Listen quietly to your inner self to find the truth,while focusing your thoughts towards the better. Like praying. This is the best I can think of and I would be glad to help you find out the root. Oh yes,and yesterday it occured to me that you should be praying a lot. It potentially seems you have a destructive spirit influencing you,so pray to Jesus to protect you from all evil spirits and keep praying that over and over. Perhaps that will help you. Karel Sorry,I don’t know why it didn’t send right. I will try to just send it again… I guess the main thing I can think of people in my early childhood making me feel bad about myself is my mom and brother. First off,I’m not at all blaming any of this or what I’ve done on them. My mom has always been very strict and outspoken of exactly how she wants me to be and letting me know when I don’t live up to those standards. I know she always wanted the best for me and just wanted me to be all I can be,but being a perfectionist myself,I would already take my shortcomings and turn them into more than they should be. She would,and still does,often compare me to other people when she feels I’m doing what I should be doing,wearing what I should be wearing,etc. I see myself as alot more simpler than other girls my age,not wanting to go to all the parties and social activities,not wearing all the fancy “hip”dress clothes,not dating someone every year,and so on. If I got even a B in a class she was always like well this person got an A,why can’t you? She was just never very careful about her word choice and I feel like I’m always trying to live up to her standards and always failing. I just never felt like I was good enough for her and was such a disappointment to her. Especially when she found out I was cutting myself,she was so disappointed and I could tell. I wish she would have just been there and supported me a little more,but she was more worried about someone else finding out that one of her kids wasn’t “normal”and I know she was even mad at me at times about that. I know she loves me and wanted to help me,but I feel like she didn’t always help me in the best ways. And as for my brother,we just fought alot. For awhile I was a really angry child. I would scream at my mom,scream at my brother. Me and my brother would get into arguments all the time and they would quickly turn into fights. Being a boy and four years older than me,he won every time. Sometimes I would start the fight or agg it on,but he also had some anger issues and would sometimes just get angry over little things and would beat me up. One day we would be best friends and play outside all day together,the next we would be fighting terribly and would get into fights or he would hit me or hurt me somehow. I wasn’t really afraid of him or was ever really angry at him or anything,I guess I always just assumed that it usually was my fault. I never really considered it as him actually beating me up,I always just considered it as us getting in a fight. He would often times make fun of me as well so I took in negative perceptions about myself then too,and I usually believed them. Those are really the only things I can think of,but I don’t see them having any direct relation with my depression or cutting. And I would really appreciate your help trying to figure all this out. Thank you Hi Karilyne, I think this is PRECISELY the reason why you are having these problems. You love your brother and mother,you recognize their love for you (in spite of the shortfalls in their behaviour) and this is why you are defending their behaviour and putting the blame on yourself. It actually seems a reasonably close match to my own childhood and,with your permission,I’d like to forward this conversation to my sister for her input. She had it real tough as well,and our mother is also very demanding. If I came home beaming that I got an A+ in math,she’d say,“Oh yah,but what did you get in history or English?”Since then I’ve had some pretty heavy emails with her how I developed a complex,how I managed to pull my self-esteem out of all that negativity (which became significantly worse when she remarried,and I got similar treatment from my father),and it has taken her decades to reprogram herself not to constantly pester me about every little thing. It is the nature of a control freak. Yes,there is a lot of love behind it,but other,bad characteristics as well,such as power hungry,manipulative qualities,and so on. My sister pulled out of it too,now we are good friends,and I think she could give you some valuable input and encouragement. You have to find your own strength,keep building on that,and separate yourself from the constant,negative input. Years of negative input become ingrained and self-reinforcing to the point that you repeat them to yourself,and believe it to the core of your being. But it is not true. Everyone has some imperfections and it is not about being perfect but about being comfortable with yourself and focus on your strong points. There are many books on positive thinking now,and I translated one myself. The brain is programmable and,although it seems strange,you can climb out of this pit by telling yourself positive things (so much that you do not give yourself any opportunity to say negative things to yourself). Your unconscious mind will eventually believe it and start to rip out the roots of poison buried deep within,replacing it with nice smelling flowers. If you cannot get away from this negative input it will be much more difficult for you. Eventually,once you feel more comfortable with yourself and have a stronger footing,you can try to approach your mother and brother and explain to them the psychology behind your past actions,and that it is important for you that they are more supportive,and that they grow up and not think so selfishly. I am sure your mother will get angry at the thought that any of this is even remotely her fault,so you will have to try to plan your wording and approach very carefully. But her blaming and focus on your weaknesses will simply have to stop. It is NOT productive. The human spirit is like a plant or flower,that needs love/sun and water/nurturing. Sure,a tough childhood can make one tougher,try harder,and eventually become a successful millionaire,but not all rich people are content with their lives,being so obsessed with overcoming their childhood traumas. Keep plugging away at it! Karel I’m all for thinking more positively about myself and working on my negative thoughts but is it absolutely necessary to approach them with this? I don’t think I would ever be able to bring myself to do that? and yes I’m ok with you forwarding the conversation to your sister,I will take any help I can get! That is why I suggested you approach them when you are ready,which could take years. In the meantime,you should get out of your negative environment and surround yourself with positive,and begin to reprogram your subconscious. If you cannot or do not want to leave this environment it will be more difficult. I am sure your mother and brother would be deeply upset if one day you slipped with your cutting and it became fatal. They would have rather learned about your problem and helped you. So if you do decide to stay,I think you will have problems dealing with this yourself and you should try to think of a way to approach them. When I was young I suggested to my parents to send me to a psychiatrist,because their views were so utterly absurd I wanted to get a third opinion and find someone credible who could explain to them the error of their thinking. To a large degree they are still stuck in the same rut,although they have improved a lot. But I held onto my convictions,and eventually they sent me to a boarding school (on my suggestion) because I became simply intolerable. I am not one to give up. My sister was livid angry she could not come with me,but it was an expensive place,they couldn’t afford the both of us,and she was manageable. Anyway,it was a long climb out of that pit of low self-esteem but we both succeeded,once we got out of that environment. If you cannot or do not want to,you can try to appeal to their compassion,or simply confront them by showing them what you are doing to yourself,admit you have a problem,and if they care about you at all they should do something about it,otherwise they may never see you again. These are just ideas,but over the years,as I’ve managed to climb out of my unconfidence pit,I’ve become increasingly intolerant to people treating me in any negative way. I do not respond back the same but simply express my point of view,and many of my friends have tried their very hardest to change their natural behaviour,and succeeded. For the few that couldn’t be bothered,I could not consider them my friends and moved on. Karel Hey Karilyne, I know how you are feeling and my brother was absolutely right to send your question to me,with your permission. I just want to preface my reply by saying that I am not as avid a follower of the Bible as Karel is. I believe in God and the Ten Commandments and live my life in a Christian way,but I find sometimes in the Bible ideas phrased in ways that I don’t quite agree with. I don’t think that matters in particular but I think its fair that you should know. I also want to say that I didn’t know my brother was providing this kind of service,and am very heartened to find out. Back when we were kids if someone had told me that this selfish,self-centred little monster was going to reach out to people to offer help and support I would have never believed it! You can take that as proof that even the worst of circumstances WILL CHANGE. That however dire things may seem or however trapped you might feel,it will not be that way forever. There are some eerie similarities of your story to my own,and as someone much older who went through it I am happy to share with you what I can. I am going to reply to sections of your correspondence with Karel as things occur to me,then offer what insight I can later. you say you felt responsible when your friend started cutting;it seems to me that you are infinitely hard on yourself but forgive others everything. I notice you don’t complain that your friend blabbed to your mom,despite everything you had to go through (unwilling counselling and meds). It may be that your perspective is a bit skewed,that you expect far more from yourself than from others. This kind of pressure is insurmountable and destined to bring feelings of failure,which serves only to continue your cycle of self harm. I can only estimate how old you are but it seems you’re in the latter years of high school? you say you get more angry with yourself because you are cutting but you haven’t been through anything as traumatic as rape or abuse. It is important to know that everything is relative,our condition and our view of ourselves comes from the context of our lives. It doesn’t matter if your experiences are not AS traumatizing as that of others,it matters that it is happening to you and you are suffering for it. “never had a close enough friend”is not the best way to think of your situation. Our friends are there for us,such as they are able,to hear us and give us a release. But they are not professionals,and when we talk often about our pain they also feel pain because they love us. it is a delicate balance. your description of your friend above seems that she did as much as anyone so young and untrained could do. Don’t criticize yourself for your choices,and don’t blame yourself for the limitations of others. They are only human beings after all,as are you,and have their own problems and struggles. your search to find someone to talk to is healthy,too bad you had the negative experience with the counsellor that you were forced to go see. I think if you try again,independently,without involving your family,you will find the effort more successful. Proceed in small steps,it might be easier to write first —on the anonymous internet —my brother and I are here to listen/read. But our advice can only go so far,and a trained person would be better able to guide you to both understanding yourself and stopping this cycle of behaviour. When I was a kid and felt things were at their most dire I used to write it out. Reems and reems of paper. Blabbering all my problems and anger and confusion. Its easy because you know you’re never going to show it to anyone and you don’t have to be judgemental or hard on yourself because you’re only writing about your feelings. If it seems to you like you need an audience then address the letter to God or Jesus. Your concerns will be heard either way. The best part is once you’re done you can just throw it away. (the worst part was when my brother used to invade my room when I wasn’t home and found some stuff I wrote then told our dad in Colorado that I “hated him”. that was not helpful). The first question in Karel’s reply to you holds the key:I notice you have not mentioned a father at all. Uncovering the deepest wounds,even if it is something as seemingly banal as your father leaving when you were young,will take you a far way to understanding your situation now. Also,I agree with Karel about the meditation. To me this is critical for everyone whether struggling or not. Our childhood,which my brother has touched on and I will go into more detail later,was full of instability and traumatic events. I grew up with what I now describe as a very “jangly”spirit. Always frazzled,always feeling like I was on the verge of collapse/meltdown/deconstruction. It has taken me a very long time to find peace within myself. Meditation exercises are good,start with short periods of time then eventually stretch it out longer. I find getting in touch with nature incredibly helpful,a walk at the beach or in a real forest does wonders! Celebrate the rain,that kind of thing. Also animals are excellent for healing. I suggest going to volunteer at your local SPCA,they are always looking for people to take the dogs for walks. Its not a commitment like you have to own a dog or anything. Plus,taking the focus off yourself and your troubles for a while,and frolicking in the park with a happy puppy will do wonders for your frame of mind. in your reply to Karel you say you’re not blaming your mother or brother. So why are you blaming yourself?? You are just as much a human being as they are,if you can find it in yourself to forgive them their errors then surely you can for your own self as well. You mustn’t offset the errors of others to yourself,if you truly forgive them then forgive and let it go. Instead it seems like you have taken their guilt and put it on yourself. your comment about being a perfectionist about yourself . . . I think that,coupled with your mother’s overcriticism is one root to your problem. Try not to evaluate yourself in relative terms. Try not to “judge”yourself according to what others are or have done. You mother’s,and our mother’s,way of doing so was incredibly harmful. If you studied hard for an exam and didn’t do as well as you wanted then tell yourself you will do better next time. If you think you did well,even it if wasn’t a 95% but it was a hard exam and you are pleased with yourself,don’t let anyone take that away from you! Keep that feeling of “well done!”regardless of what anyone says. I can totally relate to that part of your situation,it was the exact same for me. Karel’s description of our mother,“yes but how did you do in English?”is exactly right. She had a maddening way of deflating any good sense of ourselves that we may have been able to muster up in our small children’s bodies. By the time I was a teenager I learned to use absolute measurements for my efforts: Did I do better than last time? Did I try my best? Was I truly focussed and engaged in whatever I was doing at that time? Think of your endeavours this way instead of “Other people did better than me”or “I wanted an A”. If your evaluation of yourself is relative then you will essentially never be satisfied. Celebrate the small victories:“I didn’t get an A but I went to every class and I did all the work. ”“I wasn’t the fastest runner but I did my best and I beat my previous fastest time” Your mother’s criticism “So-and-so got an A,why can’t you?”speaks to her dissatisfaction with herself. Your mother is projecting her own feelings of failure on you. She wants you to do well but she is going about it the wrong way. As a child and young person I was always very small,very lean. My mom plumped out quite a bit as a teenager and never really achieved the body she wanted after that. She used to hassle me SO MUCH about food,especially as I got close to my teen years. “Don’t eat that you will get fat”“Don’t eat standing up the fat will go to your legs”constantly constantly,even at the time it didn’t make sense to me. When I was in grade 7 they tested our body fat,mine was 11%,the lowest in the entire class including the boys including the tiny kid fromIndia!! Now she does the same thing,“Another glass of wine!!?”and she googles her eyeballs around like I’m some kind of booze hound,but meanwhile she herself has had at least two glasses of wine to every one I drink. She can’t control herself,she feels she has already failed,but she can’t admit it to herself and she overcompensates by taking it out on me. and Karel,but over different things. Our mother is an equal-opportunity criticizer,haha! Again:your mother being horrified that you were cutting not out of concern for you but because she was worried what other people think. That would bother me too and make me feel like maybe I’m not worth very much. It is for each person to find and judge their own self worth,which brings us back to the meditation or walks in nature to help you find your centre. RE:your older brother,Karel is only a year and half older than me so when he “beat me up”it didn’t real cause injury. Once in a while a bruise and the occasional Indian burn (do kids still do that? twisting the hands around the wrist sharply so the skin hurts and gets bright red). The problems my brother caused for me were more mental,stemming from the domination and bullying. Just like your brother,he always won,even if it wasn’t right. It seems to me,in reading your letter,that you are trying to reconcile intellectually the way you feel when you think about your life. You say it “isn’t that bad”and you “shouldn’t complain”. I can see what you mean,but we can’t dictate to our feelings from our brain. Trust me,this I know very well. I couldn’t understand what was going on in my house AT ALL. How could my mother be so thoroughly dissatisfied with me every single day when I was doing all the housework,laundry,pre-preparation of food for dinner,plus essentially being an unacknowledged babysitter for my dysfunctional brother PLUS I was taking swimming lessons,walking peoples’dogs for money (I never got an allowance despite being responsible for scrubbing the toilet and keeping the kitchen clean) and I wasn’t even 10 years old!! It just didn’t make sense and trying to figure it out made me more crazy than the actual situation. When our mom got re-married I developed a pre-ulcer,before I was 12 years old I almost had an ulcer. I used to throw up all the time,not like bulemia sticking my finger down my throat,my stomach was ALWAYS upset and it took a very little of the wrong kind of food to get me throwing up all night. I couldn’t UNDERSTAND my situation so I internalized it. You take your confusion and anger out on yourself by cutting,I punished myself with mental anguish,stomach problems,eventually migraines. If I were you I wouldn’t be able to bring myself to approach my family either,to talk about it. What Karel says about things getting ingrained is quite true,but he misses the point —I think —in how it is for you in your house. There is a prevalent mood,that has been built up over the years,and as the youngest you have the least voice. I learned very early not to bring my problems to my family because they would laugh in my face. Literally. They made things so much worse when they knew what my concerns were. If they found something that they considered a weakness they would bring it up over the next few weeks,especially if they could sense I was feeling down or low. My brother and my mother’s new husband used to poke fun at me at how I ate,at the dinner table they would call me “garburator”and laugh and point. I had train-tracks braces on all my teeth. How could I have possibly come to the very people that were responsible for the worst of my pain and open myself up to discussing that which THEY WERE CAUSING! Absolutely not. I do wish I had someone impartial to talk to,it would have helped a lot. Back then there weren’t as many services,as children we were told if there was something going on to talk to a teacher or to your doctor. But I knew if I did that they would drag my mother in and I would proceed to get into serious trouble for giving people the impression that there was a problem in our family. Even though she made is ABSOLUTELY impossible to talk about with her. Do you see where I’m going with this? For your whole life people will act on you in ways you don’t like. Even as an adult. It is for every person to find the truth of themselves for themself. That is what makes you strong,and secure in yourself. I differ from my brother in the scope of advice:I suggest you find ways to release the pain,to dig down into the truth of yourself,to discover the root of problems,and to understand your pain and your problems without your family. Karel is right to say that in time you will be able to bring it up but I don’t think that that is the place to start. You seem to have a good perspective,when you say others have suffered much,much more than you. Rather than being hard on yourself “What is my problem its not that bad!?!”you could put your energy into helping others. If you volunteer at a senior’s centre,go read to kids in the hospital,help clean up an abandoned city lot,as I said walk dogs for the SPCA . . . whatever. When you involve yourself with others you will both gain perspective and quite possibly find someone not intimately related to your life to talk to. We find it easier to unload on strangers,sometimes,than on our family and our closest friends. The bonus to this strategy is that you don’t have to explain in detail where you are going for several hours a week. If and when you find your own counsellor,in whatever form that person will be,it might be more difficult to explain to your family. But saying,“I’m off to do my volunteer hours at the library/hospital/senior’s centre/community centre/park/SPCA!”does not invite unwanted questions. They say when kids are the subject of bullying,that the best solution is to get them involved in the community,outside of school. When kids realize that there is a whole world out there,that everything does not revolve around the kids at school and what they might think,they stop caring so much about what the bullies say,gain confidence,and get better. A lot better,Quickly. I suggest that for you. Get some distance from the situation with your family so you can see how others’live,think about things a bit more impartially,and start to focus on yourself as a person rather than as the recipient of the actions of others. Get into meditation,and eventually your won’t feel as horrified about talking about things with your family. When you get around to it,starting small is good,“Why do you sayI should have gotten an A instead of being happy with the grade I got?”or,if you’re feeling cheeky and have that kind of relationship with your mom,when she says,“So and so is wearing this kind of clothes/got an A why can’t you”you can say,“If so-and-so jumped off a bridge should I do it too?”then laugh. Laughter is excellent medicine. This is really long,sorry! I’m a writer,what can I say words come easily to me and I was quite struck by your story so really want to help,as much as I can anyway. -Keta In reply to your other message,just being at college has helped me alot. It is a much more positive environment for me and I am there way more than I am at home. There I am surrounded by people who suppport me in a more positive way and it has been very beneficial to me. Although they don’t know my story or my struggles,they are a good support for me without them even knowing it. One big struggle I’m having at college is that I’m afraid to be me. For years I have been considering myself as a cutter,that’s who I am. And although I never used to be nearly this shy,I have been “playing shy”so that I don’t have to talk to or meet many people. I’m afraid that people are just going to be able to see right through me and know who I really am and all the mistakes I’ve made and that they’re going to look down on me for it. I do everything I can to avoid talking to or even having to confront people. In big crowds I just keep my head down and hope that no one even notices me,and that’s not how I used to be. I would like to be more outgoing,the way I used to be. I don’t want to hide from all this anymore. I’m just scared to show people I guess,I’ve been just kind of tossed to the side by many close friends before and I guess I’m just afraid that I’m not good enough for anyone and they will just do the same. Also,should I reply to Keta? It’s up to you if you’d like to respond to Keta. Seems to me that you are on the right track and that you just need to keep moving forward and not get down on yourself. I understand how it is difficult to get away from the cycle of putting oneself down,and I still do it myself occasionally,but when I catch myself I say “no!”,and then compensate by saying some positive things about myself. Over time you will heal. Keep your faith,pray a lot,and seek positive reinforcement. Find your inner strength and don’t be so dependent on others. If someone discards you,as you say,don’t take it personally and simply move on. As you heal you will become less shy and feel better about yourself. If you have money you could try the hypnosis thing,cause there seems to be a knot in your subconscious that needs unraveling. University students can be immature but mature people can always be found – ones with whom you can discuss personal issues. Perhaps there are special groups for that. Maybe you could even try AA,cause it’s a bit similar,and they get up to the podium and discuss their problems. You do not have to go up but just listening to others talk about their deep problems and how they have overcome them might help and inspire you. Karel I am a 15 years old teen guy. I am always fascinated by the girls around me because of my great look,of course,fascinated also by some teen boys out there. Last point in time,there is my neighbor,straight boy neighbor,like me who went to our house. Im in my house alone that is why we plan to watch a porn movie. While watching,we cannot really resist each other. This is where my story starts,which is a guilt of mine. While watching,i asked him to masturbate me and he did it so badly. after that i had an anal sex with him. I really dont know what i am doing. After that,until now,i feel full of guilt everytime i remembered it and everytime i saw him,to the fact that we enjoyed it before several times. But now,i realized that that was not right,to the fact that im a straight guy who has a reputation for girls. Now,i am seeking your help to please help me overcome my guilt. It will be my wholesome thanks if you can help me. I really need your help. Please reply as so on as possibe. Godbless us. Hey James, by repeating that you are a successful womanizer,and generally,it seems that your guilt is not based on some sort of separation from God but rather on the realization of who you might be and your struggle with dealing with that. To live a holy life means to be celibate and without such toxins as cigarettes and alcohol,and to serve and love others around you. This is not a requirement but a choice of dedication. Once you start falling away from that,it just becomes one vice after another. The “slippery slope”they call it. Sinking into debauchery,or,as the bible puts it,“a dog will always return to his vomit”. I myself am certainly not anything remotely perfect. You just need to focus on what you want to do. Feeling guilty does not resolve anything. I’d say you have several choices here:1) reflect on what you did,analyze who you are,realize you made a mistake and move on from there;2) decide that is what you want to do and move on from there;3) decide that you love God and focus on that rather than your guilt and all these other extraneous things. Hope it helps,Karel When I was in junior high school,I read a book,it is said “if you can make yourself focus/concentrate,then your study will be more efficient.”So after that,when I was at class,I would tell myself that I should focus on teaching,I tried to remember evey word from teacher.when I was reading,I also told my self to focus,I tried to memorize evey word I read. At the beginning,it was really good. My grade was from 4th to No.1 in my class. And I can get high score in exam easily. But after I went to senior high school. Somehow it did not work anymore. I tried to focus,but always I felt something disturb me. For exagme,if I blink,I felt it disturb me from listening to the teacher. If I missed something that teacher said because of blinking,I felt very frustrated,I tried even harder to make myself focus,but just can not. Every class,I struggled with this. The year before I graduated university,I suffered a lot from this because I was preparing entrance examination for postgraduate. At my most disappointed moment,I knew God,and I became Christian. God helped me a lot. Time pass by,but I still have this struggle. Now I know I should not compel myself to focus. And I stopped doing that. Now my symptom is:when I study (such as reading),I will somehow blink a lot Unconsciously(I think it is sequela of my previous experienc),I did not care about it too much. But the thing bothers me is that I always feel painful on my eyes after that. So I feel frustrated when it happens. And I find out,in my normal life,like talk to people,or watch TV,it will not bother me. Only when I need concentrate to do something(like reading,programming on cumputer),it will show up and bother me. I really want to be free from this. I had this problem with me around 15 years. In bible,it is said “Truth will set you free”. Jesus is the truth. And I know he can. But I need some help for how could I walk in Truth and be set from this bondage. Hey Tom,sounds like something hypnosis might solve. Your mind is programmable and the years of such focusing could have created some sort of bond between stress and focusing. You try harder,you get more stressed and frustrated,and the problem only compounds. So perhaps,under hypnosis,someone could unravel this bond and program your mind to think of peace when you want to focus. Or perhaps some meditation could help,focusing calmly on this issue and soothe your mind in the process,to re-establish a different kind of association/bond. I think focusing can be most effective if your mind is at ease,so you need to create that new bridge. Yes,“the truth can set you free”,but I am not of the camp who would take every single medical problem to Jesus,or let my daughter die instead of taking her for a quick fix to the hospital. Prayer can help but there is nothing wrong with seeking different means. Perhaps God might answer your prayer and provide you with a solution by some means. Will you deny the solution and wait for God to heal you by his Spirit alone? Even Jesus did not jump off the cliff when tempted by the devil. So I would suggest you try some meditation every day,like King David did constantly,and focus on your problem and pray for your mind to become at rest. You can read a lot about meditation on the net. Pray for God to help your mind to come to rest,to learn how to control your mind,and always seek ways for a remedy – preferably a natural one. Good luck! Karel
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